I honestly don't even know where to start this. Last night as I was laying in bed, I got this overwhelming feeling. I'm not sure what it was, other than exhaustion, but it nagged at me. When I woke up today, it was still there. All I could think of was that I need to simplify my life.
I grew up in a very small town. Some might even consider it a farming community. People always think that small town is "simple". But growing up, mine was anything but. Both sides of my family have a long history with this town. They were around when the town was founded. When my children graduate from here, they will be 6th or 7th generation. I've always felt like there was something I needed to live up to. I didn't want to disgrace my family name. So, I've tried very hard to keep up a facade. A facade which is cracking.
I've come to realize I don't need fancy things. I don't need fancy, designer clothes and purses. I don't need the fancy car. I don't need to open my house and my life up to impress people. I need my religion, my family and people in my life that support these same things. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. All it's done is drag me down, put us in debt and make me miserable. So, today I start anew. I'm going to start simplifying my life. I'm going to start making sure I note the things of value in my life that money can't buy. I'm going to look at things through the eyes of my children. I'm going to let my religion lead me to where I need to be. I'm going to let my friends come to me. I'm going to keep running because it helps set me free. I am going to disentangle this life of debt and disengage from the drama. I am going to set and example for my kids and for the generations that follow. I will carry on the Kimble and Kraus legacy and make them proud. They started out simple and I am going to keep it that way.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
On this day 10 years ago, my life was forever changed. On this day 10 years ago, I became a mother. I can recall the events of today and the day before so clearly. It's like it was yesterday. My beautiful daughter Haley was born today. She was so quiet when she came into this world, but that didn't last for long! It's amazing how much your life changes the minute they put that baby in your arms. You look at them and see the future. Your heart grows. In a few seconds you love something more than you have ever loved anything in your whole life. I remember holding her and her looking at me. I saw those deep blue pools and knew that I would never love this way again. While my pregnancy with Haley was definitely unplanned, I can't imagine a life without her. She was a good baby. She was always very hard-headed and stubborn (no idea where she gets that from...). But she had a smile that could light up a room. She had a laugh that was incredibly infectuous. She was so smart, too! She picked up on things and learned at an amazing pace. When she was 3 1/2 she became a big sister and she was my little helper. 18 months later she became a big sister again. Then she started Kindergarten and she was no longer my "little girl". So independent and strong-willed. I've watched her grow and am continually amazed at who she is. She is a friend to anyone. She always wants her friends to get along. She is still stubborn and knows how to push my buttons! I hear myself saying things to her that my mom said to me. But, she is a good girl. The Lord blessed me with her and I can never thank Him enough. So today I celebrate my "baby" as she enters a new phase in her life. As she crosses over to her "tween" years. I can't wait to see what life has in store for my miracle.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I don't know how many of you follow me on Facebook. (probably not many since I don't have many followers on my blog.) But, if you do you will know that I have begun exercising. Yes, I know. In the begininning of the year I started doing "Shred". While I liked it (as much as you can like feeling like you are dying every day), I didn't follow through with it. I got injured doing a step test for work. Once I'd rehabilitated that injury I got sick. Then the whole "female issue" started, which we now know ended in emergency surgery and 6 weeks off from doing anything remotely athletic. That brings us to July. I was asked to participate in a 3K walk/run to benefit a dispatcher's wife who is battling breast cancer. Well, the girls doing it with me are or were runners and I was in no shape to keep up. So, I strapped on my tennis shoes and began walking. First it was just a couple days a week around my neighborhood. (At least 30 minutes so it would register on my Polar for Vitality.) Little by little I started adding in some jogging towards the end. As the heat during the day got worse I decided to start walking on my lunch at work. The weather at 3 am isn't too bad. So, I started utilizing the track. I wanted to do 2 miles. And so I did. 2 miles in just under 35 minutes. All walking. Then, I decided I'd try to jog a little. So, I would jog a straight-away then walk. Soon I upped it to jogging the straight-aways and walking the curves. Pretty soon I was shaving time off my 2 miles. A couple weeks ago I decided to push myself and see what I could do. I jogged a whole lap! That's 1/4 of a mile. I know, I know. Whoopity Dee Do! But, you are talking about someone who #1 hasn't really exercised on a normal basis since high school and #2 was a smoker for a long time. I still continued to jog the straight-aways and walk the curves. Tonight I decided to push myself a little more. I jogged over 3 laps tonight before deciding to walk. That is 3/4 of a mile! I am not fast and my form isn't pretty. But, this is baby steps for me. I don't know that I will ever be a "runner". I don't know that I will ever enjoy running. But, the feeling I get once I'm done is indescribable. It's a good stress reliever, for one. Plus, I know I am making myself healthier. It's frustrating when I step on the scale and haven't lost a pound or when I put on my clothes and they don't fit any different. But, I know that there is something changing inside of me. I am becoming stronger. My heart is becoming stronger. My faith in myself is becoming stronger. It feels good to finally be "feeling good".
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I always here people say to "let it go and let God handle it". I'm even guilty of saying it. But I have realized I don't know how. For those that don't know, the City of Derby is eliminating their emergency communications department. This will most like occur in January 2012. Yes, I know that is a ways away, but I am a planner. I need to know that no matter what happens my family will be taken care of. While I am not the bread-winner for our family, I am the one who carries the health insurance and life insurance and retirement plans. The City has said they will possibly keep a few of us on in a different position, but they can't tell us who they will keep on,in what capacity or what the pay will be. I just don't know who to let this go. I am so scared right now. Nathan and I are struggling as it is,so to find out that I might have to take yet another cut in pay is agonizing. Try as I may, I just don't know HOW to hand this over. How do I NOT worry about this? I don't have another skill set to fall back on. I don't have a degree to fall back on. I know how to wait tables, answer phones and dispatch. Not a whole lot to build on there. So, if anyone has any words of advice, I am all ears. I want to be able to let God take this over. I want to be able to think about this and not have a panic attack. I want to not feel like I am always on the edge of a nervous breakdown.