A Jumbled Up Mess

That's my life right now. Just when I thought things were going my way, I got side-swiped. And what's worse, is it was by someone near and dear to me. As hard as it is, I have had to make the decision to remove this person not only from my life, but the lives of my children.

It is one thing to hurt ME, or disappoint ME. It is another thing all-together to hurt or disappoint my kids. I can no longer make excuses or mend hearts, especially when mine is broken. I can't explain things to them when I don't understand.

My children are everything to me. They are the beat of my heart, the breath to my life. I know I can't always shelter them from harm, but I can at least try for now. I can only hope that things will get better and that history won't repeat itself.

Testing...Testing...1, 2, 3...

I am not a good "test" person. I will be the first to admit it. I am not a book-smart person. But, for some reason I decided to test to be a police officer. Yep, you read right; I will have a gun. Well, maybe. With the dissolution of emergency dispatch and the forming of a 24 hour records unit, it has made it necessary to make staffing cuts. The Department has decided to create a "station officer" position. Unlike Wichita whose BOF's are civilians, Derby has decided that theirs will be fully commissioned. That means those of us that apply have to go through the testing, and if selected we go to the 14 week academy in Hutchinson.

Most of you don't know, but being an officer is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. I remember shortly after hiring on at Derby, having a conversation with my Lieutenant about my goals and aspirations. I had planned on getting on as a reserve then ended up pregnant. Twice. Then kids and life in general took over. I never stopped wanting to pursue the career, but there were other things more important. However, I am one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason. As much as I was upset about them dissolving dispatch, I feel like I was put in this place to pursue my goal. I feel that a door has been opened and I have been given the chance I'd been hoping for. But, I also truly believe that if I don't get it, it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes in life we just need to be tested.

So, now begins the process. On Friday I will take a written exam. (Yikes!) It will consist of math (double yikes), reading comprehension, spelling/grammar, sentence structure and essay. I feel like I'm about to take the CAT test all over again. Each section is timed and is required that you receive at least a 70%. Once that is done, I will take the physical agility in which I have 1 minute, 43 seconds to run around our station, up flight of stairs then back down, drag a 150 pound dummy for 30 feet, roll under a garage door that is open 18 inches, recite my alphabet then dry fire a pistol 6 times and a shotgun 4 times. I am not afraid to admit that I am scared out of my mind. There is more to the hiring process, but this is the first step. If I don't pass, I don't move on.

So, that's what's new in my world. If you think about it on Friday, say a prayer for me!

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

OK, maybe not so much in my part of Kansas. But, it definitely is around my house. I have to admit. I drug my feet this year. I just was having a hard time finding that "Christmas Spirit" everyone was talking about. I kept waiting for that little flutter in my stomach. And it just never came. I begrudgingly put up the tree. I let the kids put on the decorations. I put out some of my nutcrackers, but not the whole collection. I shopped, but didn't enjoy it. I wrapped and REALLY didn't enjoy it. I just wasn't into it which is strange for me. Normally I am ALL about Christmas. It was always my favorite growing up. Now it just seems like a commercialized hassle. Somewhere along the way we have forgotten the true meaning.

But, tonight I felt like the Grinch, but in a good way. It's like my heart is starting to thaw. As I sat at work tonight I started to feel that flutter in my stomach. I got that light-headed feeling that I used to know. I was thinking about the church service I will be attending tonight and got all teary. (Don't know what that's all about, but I hope it's a good thing.) I think part of it started because of the kids. Hubs got home from work and found the three kids sitting together on the couch, the oldest in the middle. The younger two flanked her sides as she read them The Bible. It just made my heart swell. It told me that they HAVEN'T forgotten why we really celebrate Christmas.

Several friends on my Facebook had this posted as their status and I thought it was great:

"Greatest man in history named Jesus, had no servants, yet they called him Master. Had no degree, yet they called him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared him. He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world. He commiteed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today."

This is a great reminder of what Christmas is supposed to be about. It's about the birth of our Saviour. He is truly the reason for the season. Take some time to set aside the stockings and gifts and food and remember Him. Celebrate Him. I know I will.

Merry Christmas.

Family

Today I want to touch on my family. Most of you know I have an amazing family. I have been blessed with a great family tree. When Nathan and I got married, it expanded that much more. But, today is about the people who have come into my life that break the bounds of genetics or branches of a family tree. It's the family we create as we go through life. The people who start out as friends, but become part of our hearts. In this realm, I am also truly, truly blessed.

To start with, there is Alayna. She and I have been friends since preschool. She has been a sister to me for many, many years. She has always been Aunti Layna to my kids and I don't see that changing.

Then, I have my work family. I can't even type about this without my eyes tearing up. I have made friends at work that have touched my lives in ways that I never imagined. My children have aunts and uncles who love them as if they were there own blood. I never knew that co-workers could impact my life so much.

Then there are people like Christie, who I met through chance. When other people were speaking badly of me, she gave me a chance. She sought out the true me, not the person I was being made out to be. She has been a lifesaver to me.

I know there are many others and I could spend all day naming people, but my ADD makes my mind wander too much. I don't often get a chance to tell people how much they mean to me. Or what they mean to my family. I never knew I had so much room in my heart for so many people. So for my friends and my family; thank you for touching my life. Thank you for allowing me into your hearts. Thank you for the grace and mercy you have shown me through the years. My life and my world are a better place because you are in it.

Th(ink) About It

Hi. My name is Marissa and I am a tattooed mama. There, I said it. Do you look at me any differently? To answer some of your questions. 1. I currently have 6. 2. No, I don't have "sleeves". 3. Yes, they hurt. No, I am not masochistic. 4. Yes they are all in "public" place. I do not have to take you into a private room for you to see them.

I know your biggest question is, "Why?" I have people ask me this all the time. Well, why not? But, that isn't my answer. I got my first tattoo when I was 19. I went with a sorority sister and got a ladybug and my letters. I wanted something that was part of me and would always be part of me. Even though I didn't finish out college at Pitt, my memories of the times with my beloved Alpha Sigs are still in my heart. I went several years before getting another tattoo. I don't really know why. I knew I wanted another one, but just couldn't think of what to get. Finally, I knew. On my right ankle there is an angel with a pink and blue ribbon behind her. There are also 2 small butterflies. This was my closure for the babies I lost to misscarriage. Nathan and I have two confirmed miscarriages and I had always wanted to honor them in some way. It was strange, as I got my tattoo and it hurt, it was almost as if I was letting go some of the pain I had carried inside of me through the years.

Then, came the last year and a half. It has been a whirlwind of things. Life has just been flat-out, balls to the wall CRAZY. And in that time, I have received 4 more tattoos. A very good friend of mine is trying to start up a tattoo business. So, she had a party and I decided I wanted something for my three littles. I got a pea pod which contains three little peas. Then,I got my owl. (That one gets lots of questions.) I got it earlier this year. I decided that this year was my year. The owl represents knowledge and I wanted to learn things this year; whether about myself or others. It is also known to be a protector. It sits right above my pea pod and watches over my little peas just as I watch over my little ones. Then, my cupcake. Yes, a cupcake. Why? It's fun. It reminds me that even as a 32 year old mom that it's still ok to be girly and have fun. That life doesn't always have to be boring. Over the weekend, I got my runner. If you read my blog you know that I have been running.

Still, I'm sure this doesn't answer the WHY to it all. This is my scrapbook. As a wife and mom, we are often on the other side of the camera capturing the lives of those around us. But who is capturing our lives? This is my way of taking what is happening in my life and capturing it. It will always be there for others to see. Like a picture, it may fade or get wrinkled. But the meaning is still there. I will try to get pictures posted later of my scrapboook.

Am I a Princess?

Yes, a strange question. But, I have something weighing on my heart and mind. I'm sure I've spoken before of Christie. If not, she is one of my best friends and my running partner. She is my kick in the pants that I often need to keep going. She is wonderful. (Love ya, Christie!) Anyway, she has taken a huge leap of faith and signed on to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon at Disney World in February. She is doing it as part of Team in Training (which benefits LLS). Christie wants me to join her. I am scared to death. For one, I don't know if I can get the money raised in time. I would have to raise $3300. That's a lot of money. And if I can't raise all of it, I don't get to go. And it's not like if I come up short that I can just write a check for the difference. Second, how am I going to train? I work third shift and I get 40 minutes at lunch. That is when I normally do my daily run. If I really push it, I can get in 3 miles. Yeah, that isn't going to cut it! I would need to figure out a way to train my body and lungs to withstand 13.1 miles. (Just writing that amount gives me anxiety.) And third, what if I DO raise the money and what if I DO train my butt off and then get down there and hit a wall and can't finish? I don't so much care about coming in dead-butt last (but NOT coming in dead-butt last would be a great thing), but what if I hit that "wall" and can't keep going? I'm scared of disappointing everyone. Ugh! I hate feeling this way! I need to decide pretty quickly on what to do. I keep praying that God will provide me an answer, but we all know that it doesn't come that easily. So, if you read this blog and have any input, send it along! I am always open for comments and/or criticism. My skin is pretty thick,so be honest. While I do think a tiara on my head might be a good look, I need some honesty!

Now What?

I am at a crossroads and am really stuck on which way to go. If you follow my blog, you know I began running back in July. I have competed in 3 5K events with a couple more approaching. But, I don't know where to go with my running. Do I just keep doing 5K's and hope it stays satisfying? That really isn't my personality. I really want to do more. I want to take it up a notch. But, I don't know how. I have several friends and acquaintances who recently ran either a half or a full marathon. I was so proud of them. But, I did feel a pang of jealousy. I feel like I need to set a goal like that and work towards it. But, I just don't know how. When I started all of this back in July, it was just to help out a fellow dispatcher. I had no idea I would actually like it! I wasn't emotionally prepared for what was to come. So, here I sit. I look back and know I don't want to go back to the sedentary lifestyle I was leading. But I have choices to make and really don't what to do. I have been praying about it and I guess I will continue to do so. I don't do well with confusion. I'm a control freak and I like to make plans. But, I have learned that when I plan, God laughs.