Friday, March 19, 2010

Epic Fail

Do you ever feel like a failure? I do. A lot.

A couple of posts back I made some goals for myself. Guess what? I have failed at them. I haven't been working out like I want. It started out because I hurt my knee. Then I got sick. Now I just have no motivation. FAIL.

I also mentioned that I wanted to find a church and begin going. Haven't done it. What's weird is that I want to SO MUCH. But, I am scared to go. I'm scared of people judging me because I have lost my way and it's been a long time since I have worshipped.

Sometimes I feel like I am failing as a parent. I easily lose my patience and snap at the kids. I don't always set the best example. I try to teach them right from wrong, yet I catch them doing things they shouldn't do and talking in tones that are destructive instead of constructive. Then I have to look at myself. I talk that way. I've tried to justify it by saying I'm 32 and I've earned the right, but the truth is I don't need to speak that way, either. At times I feel I've failed the kids because we don't belong to a church. I grew up in church and always thought my kids would, too. But somehow that hasn't happened. The kids go to Bible school every Wednesday and really enjoy it and that just drives it home even more that I have failed in that aspect. I know my kids love me and they probably don't even notice that I am failing. But I know in my heart that I have made too many mistakes.

A few years ago Nathan and I attended Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We learned about money management and budgeting and how to get out of debt. We were on the right path for a while, but somewhere we lost our way. I could make a thousand excuses as to why it happened, but they will all fall short. The truth is we got lazy. It was easier to spend the money than save it. We didn't fail Dave, we failed each other.

Do you think that Jesus ever feels like he has failed? Do you think when He looks at our failures that He feels like He has failed? That hurts me. I would never want my parents to feel as if they failed and sure wouldn't want Jesus to feel that way. But how do I fix this? How do I find the strength and faith in myself to make things better?


Anonymous said...

I understand. Your post really spoke to me - especially the wanting to go to church part. Church is so important to my extended family that it is a big secret that my husband and I no longer attend. We stopped because we were hurt by some things, but that was two years ago. It is time for us to get over it and start going somewhere again.
You are not a failure. You just need a do-over. We all need them, and most of us need to do it several time before we get it right. You are only a failure if you completely give up.
Sorry for such a long comment. Thanks for your post.

~* N *~ said...

Aw hon, you are NOT a failure. We all experience bumps along the way, but what we do with those bumps is what is important. We all mess up, we are not perfect. Just dust yourself off and try again. :)

I know the whole church thing is scary, but trust me, the right church will not judge you. If you attend one that does, there is something wrong with that church/those people. Not you.

I know I mentioned on your FB post, but you are ALWAYS more than welcome to go with us to church. I know it's a bit of a drive from Mulvane, but it might be worth it to give it a try. It starts later @ 11:30am so you won't have to wake at butt crack of dawn. Great for those of us with later work schedules.

Also, it is a smaller church, so it's not so overwhelming. The people there are great, most are young families or college kids since it's near WSU (21st and Oliver, River Community).

I've been to bigger, more popular churches and they just didn't feel like "home" to me. I don't like feeling like I'm lost in the wood work. The giant crowd is a little daunting too. This is the main reason why I really enjoy our church. We have gotten to know so many great people. I've not met one judgmental person, they all admit they are just as flawed.

As far as the dieting thing, count me in. My body sucks! One week off the wagon, I gain weight. BUT 3 months of diet/exercise, I lose maybe 5 lbs. GRR! It can get SO discouraging! I'm still trying though. I hope to go back to the gym on wed. You are always more than welcome to join me there too. I prefer to go around 1 or 2pm ish. I've tried the early morning thing and it's rough on me.

Don't beat yourself up so much for these things that aren't going the way you plan. Look at them as learning experiences and try to improve upon them. You can choose to either let the situations get worse or better. It's all up to you.

Audra said...

Here is a verse for you to think about when you're feeling like a failure..."We all stumble in many ways..." James 3:2. Notice how James uses the word ALL and MANY! There are so many ways the enemy can bring you down, especially as a wife and mother. I love what N said about there being something wrong with a church that judges you. If your desire is to find a church ask the Lord to show you and he will. You are welcome to join Scott and me! I don't know what your work schedule is, but I lead a Monday morning bible study and I'm thinking of starting an evening study here at my house...