I'm a Weight Watcher

Yes, I am. The past year I have watched it go up! In all seriousness, I've dealt with weight issues most of my life. Some might say I have body dismorphic issues, and that's a possibility. But, most of my adolescent life I was told by a family member that I was "fat". In all reality, I probably wasn't, but as a teenager you don't see it that way. My weight has always fluctuated and I've never been a "skinny" girl. I have curves and meat on my bones. Now that I'm older I can look back and see how ridiculous I was to believe I was fat. How are you fat and wear a size 1? But, I'm no longer a teenager who works out everyday. I am now a middle-aged mom of 3 kids who works insanely weird hours. I'm tired, a lot. Forget tired, I'm exhausted. Working out and eating right have been something that I've put on the back burner for a long time. But, because of work, my weight is now blaringly obvious. My cholesterol is out of control. So, it's time I do something about it. I've joined Weight Watchers. (gulp) I can't believe I'm admitting it. But, there is also something freeing about admitting it. I know that I need help and that I can no longer do this alone. Nor can I ignore it. I had my first meeting last week where I had my initial weigh-in. (No, I will not tell you my weight.) But I will tell you that I have set my goal for 35 pounds. I'd like to lose more, but we will see. I'm hoping that with the support of my co-workers that I can once again find the motivation to be healthy. I want my kids to look at me and see someone healthy. So, I'm learning how to eat again. I'm only allowed so many "points" a day, so keeping track of my food is a must. It isn't fun, I won't lie. I want so much to down a chocolate bar or get a blizzard from DQ. But, I know I will feel guilty later. So, if I seem a little rough or that my patience is running thin, please know most of it isn't personal. I'm just having issues! But, I look forward to the day when I can post that not only am I a Weight Watcher, I'm also a goal achiever!

Only Commas

As I was flipping through the radio stations this morning, I came across a worship service that caught my attention. I listened for a while and heard the minister say something that stuck. She said, "There are periods in our walk of life with God, only commas." Which meant, in our relationship with God, there is no end, only beginnings. What a great way to think of things. Our walk is never over. If you believe and have accepted Christ into your heart, your journey will continue.

With today being Mother's Day, that means a lot to me. It means that because my mom has Christ in her heart, my time with her has no end. And, the same for my kids. They love God and he fills their hearts. So, I know that even in death we will still have each other. Even bigger than that, we will continue on this glorious journey with Christ, together.

Time for a Mulligan

For those of you that play golf, or even miniature golf you know what I mean when I refer to a "mulligan". It's kind of a second chance, but if you are playing with the right people you can get quite a few. That's how I view my relationship with God. He gives me LOTS of mulligans. When I don't quite make the shot the first time, He is there to let me try again. Thanks goodness! I've always had a love for Christ in my heart. I grew up going to Sunday School and learning His ways. In junior high I attended a camp for FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) and while I was there I remember being overcome with emotion hearing Roger Cooper speak and deciding to dedicate my life to Christ. I remember tears streaming down my face, but my shoulders feeling lighter than they had in some time. When I got home I was bursting with pride. However, being a teenager I didn't quite lead that Christ-like life. But, He continued to give me chances.

When I had Haley I had every intention on bringing her up in the church and wanting her to love Jesus the way that I did. But, I let life get in the way and that hasn't happened. I believe God started an intervention last year. Haley befriended a girl at school who invited her to Caravans, which is a weekly Bible study group. She began going and learning. Soon she was spreading her knowledge to her brother and sister. Over the summer the girls attended a couple different Vacation Bible School programs. They had a glow to them I hadn't seen before. They taught Grayson songs and dances and they reveled in the glow of God. Summer came and went and all 3kids were invited to attend Caravans this year. They love it. They have a joy in their heart that I can't explain.

So, then it comes back to me. I miss that joy in my heart. I NEED that joy. So, I am starting over. I'm taking a mulligan. It's time that I take a step in the right direction and give my life back over to God. I know that He is there waiting. For my friends who are following a path to Christ, I'll need your help. I'm scared and nervous and whatever other word you want to put in there. But, I'm also excited. I need this and I need Him.

Epic Fail

Do you ever feel like a failure? I do. A lot.

A couple of posts back I made some goals for myself. Guess what? I have failed at them. I haven't been working out like I want. It started out because I hurt my knee. Then I got sick. Now I just have no motivation. FAIL.

I also mentioned that I wanted to find a church and begin going. Haven't done it. What's weird is that I want to SO MUCH. But, I am scared to go. I'm scared of people judging me because I have lost my way and it's been a long time since I have worshipped.

Sometimes I feel like I am failing as a parent. I easily lose my patience and snap at the kids. I don't always set the best example. I try to teach them right from wrong, yet I catch them doing things they shouldn't do and talking in tones that are destructive instead of constructive. Then I have to look at myself. I talk that way. I've tried to justify it by saying I'm 32 and I've earned the right, but the truth is I don't need to speak that way, either. At times I feel I've failed the kids because we don't belong to a church. I grew up in church and always thought my kids would, too. But somehow that hasn't happened. The kids go to Bible school every Wednesday and really enjoy it and that just drives it home even more that I have failed in that aspect. I know my kids love me and they probably don't even notice that I am failing. But I know in my heart that I have made too many mistakes.

A few years ago Nathan and I attended Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We learned about money management and budgeting and how to get out of debt. We were on the right path for a while, but somewhere we lost our way. I could make a thousand excuses as to why it happened, but they will all fall short. The truth is we got lazy. It was easier to spend the money than save it. We didn't fail Dave, we failed each other.

Do you think that Jesus ever feels like he has failed? Do you think when He looks at our failures that He feels like He has failed? That hurts me. I would never want my parents to feel as if they failed and sure wouldn't want Jesus to feel that way. But how do I fix this? How do I find the strength and faith in myself to make things better?

My Favorite Things

I think this week I am going to posting some of my favorite things. With spring and summer coming I am itching to get into my "fun" shoes. So, these are my FAVORITE pair of shoes. They are by "Not Rated". I found them last year at Lucinda's and fell in love. I can't wait to pull out these jewels!

Goals

Most people make New Year's Resolutions. I've tried doing that in the past, only to fail. I'm not big on failure. So, I've decided that this year I need to set myself some short-term goals throughout the year. Now, I did set one long-term goal. I mentioned it in a previous post. It is to help more people than I hurt. I am working on it. I am trying to make my words kinder and my tone softer. It's a work in progress (as am I).

Now for my goals.

#1: Get close to God again. I bought a devotional for busy moms and I plan on starting it today. I think that if my relationship with God is strengthened then maybe some of these other things in my life will fall into place.

#2: Work out 3 days a week for the next 30 days. I started out the year all gung-ho but have faded. Time to get back on track.

#3: No new clothing purchases for me for 6 months. That's a toughy. If you know me, you know I LOVE to shop. But, I dont' NEED to shop. I have plenty of clothes in my wardrobe and I'm going to make them work.

#4: No new clothing purchases for the kids for the next 6 months that aren't needed. I have to do this because in 6 months it will be back to school time and the kids are all at ages where growth spurts are a mainstay.

#5: Get back on the Dave Ramsey plan. Nathan and I did well for a while, but when we moved back and took pay cuts, we relapsed into our old habits. I'm tired of bills being late and getting calls. I'm tired of the stress.

See why #1 is getting close with God? I really feel like something is missing in my life and He is that piece. I know that if our relationship is rekindled that I can be unstoppable. "I can all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Tragedy Strikes

Tragedy has once again befallen my small hometown. Yesterday two precious lives were lost. A 3 year old girl and her 4 year old sister were killed in a housefire. I can't begin to imagine the heartache the family is going through. Please lift up the family and our community in prayers. It has left us all with broken hearts and unanswered questions. I still can't seem to wrap my mind around all of this. (I mean, Grayson is 4 years old.) God now has two new angels by his side.

Lord, whose ways are beyond understanding, listen to the prayers of your faithful people: that those weighed down by grief at the loss of these little girls
may we find reassurance in your infinite goodness.