Where Everything is an Emergency!

I'm a mom again!

2011-07-16T02:30:00.002-05:00

And this time, I didn't have to get FAT! What's even scarier? It's to a teenager. Yes, I now have a 15 year old living in my house. Lord, help me!

In all seriousness, Hubs and I are thrilled (and a little nervous), but my stepson has decided to move from Topeka and live with us. This is something Hubs and I have wanted for a long time, but never pushed the issue. We wanted it to be his decision and not be something that was forced upon him. Sparing all of the details and respecting the privacy of everyone involved, we have found this is hopefully the best decision.

We all know this is going to be a huge adjustment for everyone involved. I imagine things will be tense and tough for a while, but we are a family that supports each other and I have no doubt we will make this work. I think what makes hit more stressful is that this all happens a month before I leave. Thank goodness I took vacation!

So, we are now a family of 6. My heart is whole and I know that my husband's is, too. For my readers that pray, please keep us in your prayers as we make this transition. And please pray for stepson's mom, stepdad and siblings in Topeka as they work through this transition, too. I know this can't be easy on them. Maybe I can get a picture of all 4 of my kids!

They Say It's Your Birthday

2011-07-05T02:50:00.002-05:00

Where has time gone??? My baby is 6 today! SIX!!! It doesn't seem possible. Hubs and I were talking to him about the day he was born. He laughed when I told him that Daddy stopped at McDonald's on the way to the hospital. But he listened intently when I told him about his Grandma Stutz. Grandma Stutz is hub's grandma who lives in Delaware. She was 90 years old when Little was born. And we were lucky enough to have her in Kansas when it happened. It was too hot for Grandma to visit the hospital, so we went directly to the inlaw's house once released from the hospital. Grandma was instantly smitten with Little. She ran her fingers through his hair and traced her fingers along his body. She looked at him and took him in without saying a word for the longest time. Finally, she held his hands. They were small and wrinkly, but she didn't mind. She looked at me and told me that someday those hands would do great things. Of course, when telling the story, Little wanted to know what things his hands had done and would do. We told him that with every picture he drew or lego building he constructed that he was doing great things. That every time he folded his hands in prayer, he was doing great things. And as for what great things his hands would do? Well, that was up to him. He is learning every day. He watches the world through his big, blue eyes. I can't wait to see what "great things" this year holds.

Becoming a Reality

2011-07-05T01:31:00.002-05:00

It's hard to believe that in just over a month I will be leaving for the academy. While this is something I have wanted for a long time, I don't want anyone to think this is easy. I have so many mixed emotions about all of it. For starters, leaving my family. Yes, my children are in the capable hands of my husband and they will be busy with sports and school. While they may not miss me so much, I know I will be missing them. I've worked crazy shifts throughout the years, but I've always seen them at least once a day and been able to love on them. Then, there is my work family; the women I work with in dispatch. While we have had our disagreements over the years, they have been here to share in my lowest of lows and my highest of highs. I feel terrible leaving them. I hope they know how much their friendship means to me. I hope they know how hard this is to leave them. I feel bad because I am leaving the section short-handed and I hate for them to be in a bind. And it seems the longer I stay in here, the harder and harder it's getting to say goodbye.

In order to get ready I am taking a couple weeks vacation. Partly because Big is going away to summer camp so I am losing my helper with the other two. And, I just want a little extra time with my family. I want to be able to visit my grandpa in the nursing home and not feel rushed because I have ten thousand things to do, or exhausted because I have worked all night. I know my time with him is limited and I want it to be special. I want to have date nights with each of my kids. I want them to know how special they are to me. I want a date night with my husband. Those are few and far between as it is and I know in the following months it will be more difficult. I'd like a night out with "my girls". I want the special women in my life to know how much I appreciate them lifting me up and being a support through all of this. I'd like to have a family dinner with my parents, sister, brother and sister-in-law, inlaws, the whole nine yards. I want to take the time to toast them because I know I wouldnt' have had the courage to go through with all of this without them. There is so much I want to get done and not enough days in the month.

I am such an emotional mess that this blog may be all some people get because I don't know that I will be able to look at them without bawling. So, if that is the case, thank you. Thank you for saying a prayer for me. Thank you for encouraging words. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board for my vents of frustration. Thank you for taking the time to make me feel worthy of all of this when often I didn't. Thank you for allowing me to quit when I felt it was my only option. Thank you for understanding that I did this for the benefit of my family and not to hurt anyone else. Thank you for instilling peace in my heart. Thank you just for being you.

Extreme? Not So Much...

2011-06-15T05:30:00.002-05:00

If you haven't watched it, I'm sure you have heard of it. "Extreme Couponing." It's a show produced by TLC. They show men and women from all over the US spending HOURS price matching, cutting coupons and organizing coupons. Then, you see their shopping excursions. Carts overflowing with multiples of items. And when I say multiples, sometimes it is hundreds. To me, these people give couponing, and the purpose behind it, a bad name.

I am new to the coupon game. So, I have respect for these people that have taken the time to learn and perfect it. But, seriously, how many bottles of hot sauce do you need? And diapers? You don't even have kids! I understand that getting it for free totally rocks, but why purchase something you have zero use for?

I am guilty of watching the Extreme shows. I have lots of friends who coupon and some who are REALLY good at it. So, I decided to give it a try. And you know what? It's kind of fun! I grew up with a mom that never cut coupons, so it has really been like learning a foreign language. You have to know who doubles and who doesn't. Who "stacks" and who doesn't. It's about getting the most bang for your buck. I was proud of myself yesterday. Here is the breakdown of my purchases:

Total Bill: 97.27
Paid out of Pocket: 30.33
Register Rewards Earned: 25.00 (to be spent on later purchases)

Basically: $5.33 out of pocket!!!

My "mentor" was proud. I think my mom and some of my friends are expecting to see me on TLC soon. But, I am purchasing items that either don't expire or have a long shelf life. All the ones I made yesterday were toiletry-type items. With me leaving for three months, I figure the less Hubs has to worry about purchasing, the better.

Now, for you beginning couponers. I suggest you find out if you have friends that coupon and are good at it. I have found that most of mine are very willing to help walk me through stuff. Start scouring blogs that handle deals. Many will do the weekly match-ups for you, so it takes a lot of work out of it. Take a coupon class. Yes, they do exist. But please, don't let me see your face on the next episode...

We Recycle Around Here

2011-05-27T03:53:00.003-05:00

With two girls, I am all about hand-me-downs. This is an outfit that I had custom-made for Big Bit. Once she outgrew it, I packed it away in hopes that Middle would be able to wear it. (The girls were born in opposite seasons and have different body types so sometimes it doesn't work.) I pulled it out the other day and Middle deamed it necessary to wear on her last day of school. The picture on the left is Big's last day of 2nd grade and the one on the right is Middle on her last day of 1st grade.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2011-05-27T03:42:00.004-05:00

We had our last day of school. Man this year flew by fast! I now have a Kindergarten graduate and a middle schooler! All 3 kids did great this year. While physical changes aren't as easy to notice in the picture, the internal changes are enormous! I am so proud of my kids!

14 Weeks

2011-05-27T03:04:00.002-05:00

That is how long I will be away from my babies, husband, family and friends. 14 weeks. That's how long I have to learn to become a police officer.

This is all pretty bittersweet. Being a police officer is something I have wanted for several years. But now that it's here, I am freaked out. The most I have ever been away from my children is a few days. To clarify, I do get to come home on the weekends. But,I still feel the guilt of missing their first day of school, Big's birthday, school pictures and many other things. My kids are my life. For the past 11 years they are what I have lived for. I have taken them to school or daycare and been home when they got home. I have kissed boo-boos and dried tears. I have broken up my fair share of arguments. And I have witnessed the bonds that only siblings know. My husband. He is my biggest cheerleader. Through the lengthy hiring process he stood behind me. He lifted my spirits when they were scraping the bottom. For 14 weeks he is going to be a single parent to 3 lively children. Even when I have worked strange shifts (which has been the majority of our marriage), we have parented as a team. I'm not sure what kind of teamwork we can do via Skype, but I guess we will figure it out.

Then, there is the schooling. I have been out of school for a LONG time. I left college when I was pregnant with my oldest. I will spend 14 weeks in classes, studying and taking tests. I will learn defensive tactics and push my body to it's limits in physical training. I will be pepper sprayed. I will learn to shoot a gun. At 33 years old I am starting a whole new phase of my life. I am excited and scared.

In 12 weeks I will be pulling out of my driveway and saying goodbye to a job I have loved for almost 11 years. But hopefully, in November I will be graduating and welcoming a new career into our lives.

What is the Meaning of Patience?

2011-03-21T04:41:00.002-05:00

Well, that question has come back to bite me in the butt! For those that don't know me, when the kids were younger (and sometimes still) and they were being impatient, that was the question I would pose. Their response was to be, "Waiting without complaining." It was a good way to make them stop what they were doing and refocus their energy.

Now it has come full circle. Damn, I hate it when that happens! We are still waiting on the results of the officer position. Yes, I did pass both my written (with a 97%!) and my physical (1 min, 35 sec). I have had my panel interview. I have turned in the rights to my first-born child, I mean my personal history statement. (A HUGE packet that they ask all kinds of questions.) Now, it's just a waiting game. I am not good at waiting. At all. But, I know this is good for me. There is a lot more that goes into all of this, but I refuse to let it consume my life. What will be, will be. I know that no matter the outcome, I did my best. I was myself and didnt' compromise my values. And, if I don't get it, I still have a job. It's taken a while for me to be at peace with all of this, but it has definitely helped my mood. So, now we continue to wait. I don't have anywhere to be. I know that I am not in control and for once, I am feeling OK with it.

Sharing is Caring, right???

2011-03-04T05:29:00.002-06:00

Not in this case. Holy moly. Every day I am begging the kids to share. "Please share your laptop with your little brother." "Please share your markers with your little brother" "Please share the last of the girl scout cookies with me." Anyway, LOTS of lectures on sharing. I thought they normally fell on deaf ears. Apparently not. The other night Little Bit wanted a drink of Big Bit's cherry-lime slush and she complied. Yay for sharing! Boo for what happened next. She shared...GERMS! Holy-Virus-Almighty! Our house is full of fevers, coughing and lots and lots of snot. Gross. First, Middle Bit had it a few weeks ago. When the others didn't get it I felt soooo lucky. Nope. Then it was hubs' turn. Then Big, now Little's. I love my kids, but am hoping my sharing lecture went in one clogged-up ear and out the other this time.

Wishing everyone in blog-land a happy, and snot-free weekend!

Why Little Bit Always Wins an Argument

2011-03-01T05:23:00.002-06:00

Me: What do you do if someone tries to take you?

Middle: SCREAM "That's not my mommy! That's not my daddy!"

Me: Very good!

Little: "Ah, I'd just bust out a karate move! Or, I'd poke him with a stick!"

Me: (Thud: falling off my chair laughing)

*******************************************************************************

Me: If you touch any of these boxes of cookies I will cut off your hands!

Little: But then how will I wipe my butt?

And how exactly am I supposed to argue with that logic?

A Jumbled Up Mess

2011-02-22T08:16:00.003-06:00

That's my life right now. Just when I thought things were going my way, I got side-swiped. And what's worse, is it was by someone near and dear to me. As hard as it is, I have had to make the decision to remove this person not only from my life, but the lives of my children.

It is one thing to hurt ME, or disappoint ME. It is another thing all-together to hurt or disappoint my kids. I can no longer make excuses or mend hearts, especially when mine is broken. I can't explain things to them when I don't understand.

My children are everything to me. They are the beat of my heart, the breath to my life. I know I can't always shelter them from harm, but I can at least try for now. I can only hope that things will get better and that history won't repeat itself.

Testing...Testing...1, 2, 3...

2011-02-16T01:19:00.003-06:00

I am not a good "test" person. I will be the first to admit it. I am not a book-smart person. But, for some reason I decided to test to be a police officer. Yep, you read right; I will have a gun. Well, maybe. With the dissolution of emergency dispatch and the forming of a 24 hour records unit, it has made it necessary to make staffing cuts. The Department has decided to create a "station officer" position. Unlike Wichita whose BOF's are civilians, Derby has decided that theirs will be fully commissioned. That means those of us that apply have to go through the testing, and if selected we go to the 14 week academy in Hutchinson.

Most of you don't know, but being an officer is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. I remember shortly after hiring on at Derby, having a conversation with my Lieutenant about my goals and aspirations. I had planned on getting on as a reserve then ended up pregnant. Twice. Then kids and life in general took over. I never stopped wanting to pursue the career, but there were other things more important. However, I am one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason. As much as I was upset about them dissolving dispatch, I feel like I was put in this place to pursue my goal. I feel that a door has been opened and I have been given the chance I'd been hoping for. But, I also truly believe that if I don't get it, it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes in life we just need to be tested.

So, now begins the process. On Friday I will take a written exam. (Yikes!) It will consist of math (double yikes), reading comprehension, spelling/grammar, sentence structure and essay. I feel like I'm about to take the CAT test all over again. Each section is timed and is required that you receive at least a 70%. Once that is done, I will take the physical agility in which I have 1 minute, 43 seconds to run around our station, up flight of stairs then back down, drag a 150 pound dummy for 30 feet, roll under a garage door that is open 18 inches, recite my alphabet then dry fire a pistol 6 times and a shotgun 4 times. I am not afraid to admit that I am scared out of my mind. There is more to the hiring process, but this is the first step. If I don't pass, I don't move on.

So, that's what's new in my world. If you think about it on Friday, say a prayer for me!

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

2010-12-24T05:12:00.002-06:00

OK, maybe not so much in my part of Kansas. But, it definitely is around my house. I have to admit. I drug my feet this year. I just was having a hard time finding that "Christmas Spirit" everyone was talking about. I kept waiting for that little flutter in my stomach. And it just never came. I begrudgingly put up the tree. I let the kids put on the decorations. I put out some of my nutcrackers, but not the whole collection. I shopped, but didn't enjoy it. I wrapped and REALLY didn't enjoy it. I just wasn't into it which is strange for me. Normally I am ALL about Christmas. It was always my favorite growing up. Now it just seems like a commercialized hassle. Somewhere along the way we have forgotten the true meaning.

But, tonight I felt like the Grinch, but in a good way. It's like my heart is starting to thaw. As I sat at work tonight I started to feel that flutter in my stomach. I got that light-headed feeling that I used to know. I was thinking about the church service I will be attending tonight and got all teary. (Don't know what that's all about, but I hope it's a good thing.) I think part of it started because of the kids. Hubs got home from work and found the three kids sitting together on the couch, the oldest in the middle. The younger two flanked her sides as she read them The Bible. It just made my heart swell. It told me that they HAVEN'T forgotten why we really celebrate Christmas.

Several friends on my Facebook had this posted as their status and I thought it was great:

"Greatest man in history named Jesus, had no servants, yet they called him Master. Had no degree, yet they called him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared him. He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world. He commiteed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today."

This is a great reminder of what Christmas is supposed to be about. It's about the birth of our Saviour. He is truly the reason for the season. Take some time to set aside the stockings and gifts and food and remember Him. Celebrate Him. I know I will.

Merry Christmas.

Family

2010-10-28T10:49:00.003-05:00

Today I want to touch on my family. Most of you know I have an amazing family. I have been blessed with a great family tree. When Nathan and I got married, it expanded that much more. But, today is about the people who have come into my life that break the bounds of genetics or branches of a family tree. It's the family we create as we go through life. The people who start out as friends, but become part of our hearts. In this realm, I am also truly, truly blessed.

To start with, there is Alayna. She and I have been friends since preschool. She has been a sister to me for many, many years. She has always been Aunti Layna to my kids and I don't see that changing.

Then, I have my work family. I can't even type about this without my eyes tearing up. I have made friends at work that have touched my lives in ways that I never imagined. My children have aunts and uncles who love them as if they were there own blood. I never knew that co-workers could impact my life so much.

Then there are people like Christie, who I met through chance. When other people were speaking badly of me, she gave me a chance. She sought out the true me, not the person I was being made out to be. She has been a lifesaver to me.

I know there are many others and I could spend all day naming people, but my ADD makes my mind wander too much. I don't often get a chance to tell people how much they mean to me. Or what they mean to my family. I never knew I had so much room in my heart for so many people. So for my friends and my family; thank you for touching my life. Thank you for allowing me into your hearts. Thank you for the grace and mercy you have shown me through the years. My life and my world are a better place because you are in it.

Th(ink) About It

2010-10-27T10:01:00.003-05:00

Hi. My name is Marissa and I am a tattooed mama. There, I said it. Do you look at me any differently? To answer some of your questions. 1. I currently have 6. 2. No, I don't have "sleeves". 3. Yes, they hurt. No, I am not masochistic. 4. Yes they are all in "public" place. I do not have to take you into a private room for you to see them.

I know your biggest question is, "Why?" I have people ask me this all the time. Well, why not? But, that isn't my answer. I got my first tattoo when I was 19. I went with a sorority sister and got a ladybug and my letters. I wanted something that was part of me and would always be part of me. Even though I didn't finish out college at Pitt, my memories of the times with my beloved Alpha Sigs are still in my heart. I went several years before getting another tattoo. I don't really know why. I knew I wanted another one, but just couldn't think of what to get. Finally, I knew. On my right ankle there is an angel with a pink and blue ribbon behind her. There are also 2 small butterflies. This was my closure for the babies I lost to misscarriage. Nathan and I have two confirmed miscarriages and I had always wanted to honor them in some way. It was strange, as I got my tattoo and it hurt, it was almost as if I was letting go some of the pain I had carried inside of me through the years.

Then, came the last year and a half. It has been a whirlwind of things. Life has just been flat-out, balls to the wall CRAZY. And in that time, I have received 4 more tattoos. A very good friend of mine is trying to start up a tattoo business. So, she had a party and I decided I wanted something for my three littles. I got a pea pod which contains three little peas. Then,I got my owl. (That one gets lots of questions.) I got it earlier this year. I decided that this year was my year. The owl represents knowledge and I wanted to learn things this year; whether about myself or others. It is also known to be a protector. It sits right above my pea pod and watches over my little peas just as I watch over my little ones. Then, my cupcake. Yes, a cupcake. Why? It's fun. It reminds me that even as a 32 year old mom that it's still ok to be girly and have fun. That life doesn't always have to be boring. Over the weekend, I got my runner. If you read my blog you know that I have been running.

Still, I'm sure this doesn't answer the WHY to it all. This is my scrapbook. As a wife and mom, we are often on the other side of the camera capturing the lives of those around us. But who is capturing our lives? This is my way of taking what is happening in my life and capturing it. It will always be there for others to see. Like a picture, it may fade or get wrinkled. But the meaning is still there. I will try to get pictures posted later of my scrapboook.

Am I a Princess?

2010-10-18T00:56:00.002-05:00

Yes, a strange question. But, I have something weighing on my heart and mind. I'm sure I've spoken before of Christie. If not, she is one of my best friends and my running partner. She is my kick in the pants that I often need to keep going. She is wonderful. (Love ya, Christie!) Anyway, she has taken a huge leap of faith and signed on to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon at Disney World in February. She is doing it as part of Team in Training (which benefits LLS). Christie wants me to join her. I am scared to death. For one, I don't know if I can get the money raised in time. I would have to raise $3300. That's a lot of money. And if I can't raise all of it, I don't get to go. And it's not like if I come up short that I can just write a check for the difference. Second, how am I going to train? I work third shift and I get 40 minutes at lunch. That is when I normally do my daily run. If I really push it, I can get in 3 miles. Yeah, that isn't going to cut it! I would need to figure out a way to train my body and lungs to withstand 13.1 miles. (Just writing that amount gives me anxiety.) And third, what if I DO raise the money and what if I DO train my butt off and then get down there and hit a wall and can't finish? I don't so much care about coming in dead-butt last (but NOT coming in dead-butt last would be a great thing), but what if I hit that "wall" and can't keep going? I'm scared of disappointing everyone. Ugh! I hate feeling this way! I need to decide pretty quickly on what to do. I keep praying that God will provide me an answer, but we all know that it doesn't come that easily. So, if you read this blog and have any input, send it along! I am always open for comments and/or criticism. My skin is pretty thick,so be honest. While I do think a tiara on my head might be a good look, I need some honesty!

Now What?

2010-10-14T14:42:00.002-05:00

I am at a crossroads and am really stuck on which way to go. If you follow my blog, you know I began running back in July. I have competed in 3 5K events with a couple more approaching. But, I don't know where to go with my running. Do I just keep doing 5K's and hope it stays satisfying? That really isn't my personality. I really want to do more. I want to take it up a notch. But, I don't know how. I have several friends and acquaintances who recently ran either a half or a full marathon. I was so proud of them. But, I did feel a pang of jealousy. I feel like I need to set a goal like that and work towards it. But, I just don't know how. When I started all of this back in July, it was just to help out a fellow dispatcher. I had no idea I would actually like it! I wasn't emotionally prepared for what was to come. So, here I sit. I look back and know I don't want to go back to the sedentary lifestyle I was leading. But I have choices to make and really don't what to do. I have been praying about it and I guess I will continue to do so. I don't do well with confusion. I'm a control freak and I like to make plans. But, I have learned that when I plan, God laughs.

Watch Me Run!

2010-10-05T00:45:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I probably don't qualify as a "runner". I'm more of a very fast walker or a slow jogger. Wogging? Jogker? Regardless, I am still doing it. My good friend Christie and I keep each other in check. We are there to cheer each other on and provide a little kick when needed.

When I began walking back in July I never thought I would be getting ready to run my third 5K. (Third in 3 weeks!) I am actually kind of impressed. Other than gymnastics or softball, I never really stuck with anything. And I think when I started all of this, I got a lot of behind-the-back eye rolls and such. I'm not sure what kind of confidence people had in me. Heck, I'm not sure I had it in myself. But, with each week I felt myself getting stronger; both physically and mentally. I'm not fast by any means. When I did my first 5K (Race for the Cure), I was extremely nervous. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. But, I asked that God calm my nerves and He did. As we took off running, my eyes welled up with tears. It was a great feeling to see so many people out for a great cause. As I crossed the finish line (upright), I was again all teary. I waited for Christie and as I saw her round the corner my heart swelled for her. I cheered her on and hugged her as she crossed the line. We did it again last weekend for Rosstoberfest. We both improved our time and made it up the giant hill without dying. And now we have our third one this coming weekend. It is the Prairie Fire 5K. We run against the Mayor of Wichita. And, we all get medals! It will probably be the one and only I get in my running career so I will take it!

When I started walking and adding in the running, I prayed to God that He would strengthen my heart, lungs and body. That He would help me get back that mental strength I have lost somewhere along the way. That I would regain the faith in myself even if nobody else had it. And He has provided. Every night that I go out, I still pray and I give thanks to Him. I may not be a true runner, but I am in my own heart.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

The Need to Simplify

2010-08-23T00:15:00.002-05:00

I honestly don't even know where to start this. Last night as I was laying in bed, I got this overwhelming feeling. I'm not sure what it was, other than exhaustion, but it nagged at me. When I woke up today, it was still there. All I could think of was that I need to simplify my life.

I grew up in a very small town. Some might even consider it a farming community. People always think that small town is "simple". But growing up, mine was anything but. Both sides of my family have a long history with this town. They were around when the town was founded. When my children graduate from here, they will be 6th or 7th generation. I've always felt like there was something I needed to live up to. I didn't want to disgrace my family name. So, I've tried very hard to keep up a facade. A facade which is cracking.

I've come to realize I don't need fancy things. I don't need fancy, designer clothes and purses. I don't need the fancy car. I don't need to open my house and my life up to impress people. I need my religion, my family and people in my life that support these same things. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. All it's done is drag me down, put us in debt and make me miserable. So, today I start anew. I'm going to start simplifying my life. I'm going to start making sure I note the things of value in my life that money can't buy. I'm going to look at things through the eyes of my children. I'm going to let my religion lead me to where I need to be. I'm going to let my friends come to me. I'm going to keep running because it helps set me free. I am going to disentangle this life of debt and disengage from the drama. I am going to set and example for my kids and for the generations that follow. I will carry on the Kimble and Kraus legacy and make them proud. They started out simple and I am going to keep it that way.

10 Years Ago

2010-08-18T06:24:00.003-05:00

On this day 10 years ago, my life was forever changed. On this day 10 years ago, I became a mother. I can recall the events of today and the day before so clearly. It's like it was yesterday. My beautiful daughter Haley was born today. She was so quiet when she came into this world, but that didn't last for long! It's amazing how much your life changes the minute they put that baby in your arms. You look at them and see the future. Your heart grows. In a few seconds you love something more than you have ever loved anything in your whole life. I remember holding her and her looking at me. I saw those deep blue pools and knew that I would never love this way again. While my pregnancy with Haley was definitely unplanned, I can't imagine a life without her. She was a good baby. She was always very hard-headed and stubborn (no idea where she gets that from...). But she had a smile that could light up a room. She had a laugh that was incredibly infectuous. She was so smart, too! She picked up on things and learned at an amazing pace. When she was 3 1/2 she became a big sister and she was my little helper. 18 months later she became a big sister again. Then she started Kindergarten and she was no longer my "little girl". So independent and strong-willed. I've watched her grow and am continually amazed at who she is. She is a friend to anyone. She always wants her friends to get along. She is still stubborn and knows how to push my buttons! I hear myself saying things to her that my mom said to me. But, she is a good girl. The Lord blessed me with her and I can never thank Him enough. So today I celebrate my "baby" as she enters a new phase in her life. As she crosses over to her "tween" years. I can't wait to see what life has in store for my miracle.

Feeling Good

2010-08-11T05:50:00.002-05:00

I don't know how many of you follow me on Facebook. (probably not many since I don't have many followers on my blog.) But, if you do you will know that I have begun exercising. Yes, I know. In the begininning of the year I started doing "Shred". While I liked it (as much as you can like feeling like you are dying every day), I didn't follow through with it. I got injured doing a step test for work. Once I'd rehabilitated that injury I got sick. Then the whole "female issue" started, which we now know ended in emergency surgery and 6 weeks off from doing anything remotely athletic. That brings us to July. I was asked to participate in a 3K walk/run to benefit a dispatcher's wife who is battling breast cancer. Well, the girls doing it with me are or were runners and I was in no shape to keep up. So, I strapped on my tennis shoes and began walking. First it was just a couple days a week around my neighborhood. (At least 30 minutes so it would register on my Polar for Vitality.) Little by little I started adding in some jogging towards the end. As the heat during the day got worse I decided to start walking on my lunch at work. The weather at 3 am isn't too bad. So, I started utilizing the track. I wanted to do 2 miles. And so I did. 2 miles in just under 35 minutes. All walking. Then, I decided I'd try to jog a little. So, I would jog a straight-away then walk. Soon I upped it to jogging the straight-aways and walking the curves. Pretty soon I was shaving time off my 2 miles. A couple weeks ago I decided to push myself and see what I could do. I jogged a whole lap! That's 1/4 of a mile. I know, I know. Whoopity Dee Do! But, you are talking about someone who #1 hasn't really exercised on a normal basis since high school and #2 was a smoker for a long time. I still continued to jog the straight-aways and walk the curves. Tonight I decided to push myself a little more. I jogged over 3 laps tonight before deciding to walk. That is 3/4 of a mile! I am not fast and my form isn't pretty. But, this is baby steps for me. I don't know that I will ever be a "runner". I don't know that I will ever enjoy running. But, the feeling I get once I'm done is indescribable. It's a good stress reliever, for one. Plus, I know I am making myself healthier. It's frustrating when I step on the scale and haven't lost a pound or when I put on my clothes and they don't fit any different. But, I know that there is something changing inside of me. I am becoming stronger. My heart is becoming stronger. My faith in myself is becoming stronger. It feels good to finally be "feeling good".

How Do I "Let Go"?

2010-08-10T04:52:00.002-05:00

I always here people say to "let it go and let God handle it". I'm even guilty of saying it. But I have realized I don't know how. For those that don't know, the City of Derby is eliminating their emergency communications department. This will most like occur in January 2012. Yes, I know that is a ways away, but I am a planner. I need to know that no matter what happens my family will be taken care of. While I am not the bread-winner for our family, I am the one who carries the health insurance and life insurance and retirement plans. The City has said they will possibly keep a few of us on in a different position, but they can't tell us who they will keep on,in what capacity or what the pay will be. I just don't know who to let this go. I am so scared right now. Nathan and I are struggling as it is,so to find out that I might have to take yet another cut in pay is agonizing. Try as I may, I just don't know HOW to hand this over. How do I NOT worry about this? I don't have another skill set to fall back on. I don't have a degree to fall back on. I know how to wait tables, answer phones and dispatch. Not a whole lot to build on there. So, if anyone has any words of advice, I am all ears. I want to be able to let God take this over. I want to be able to think about this and not have a panic attack. I want to not feel like I am always on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Where Did the Last 5 Years Go?

2010-06-30T03:47:00.003-05:00

It's hard to believe. In just a few days (July 5th), my "baby" will be 5. Grayson (aka Bubs, Little Bit, Hubba Bubba, etc) was a complete and total shock to us. After multiple miscarriages and years of trying to get pregnant with Mariah, we thought we were "done". (I know, I know...We plan, God laughs) I thought after two beautiful girls (and one high risk, not fun pregnancy) that God had thoroughly blessed us. We were complete and happy. Little did I know that God had a different plan. When Mariah was 8 months old, I got pregnant with Grayson. I remember looking at that pregnancy test and crying. I thought Nathan was going to be mad. I was scared to tell my parents. (I just KNEW I was going to hear a HUGE lecture about how careless we had been and how dangerous it was for me.) But, that wasn't the response I got. Nathan was shocked, but not upset. My parents were nothing but supportive. Don't get me wrong, they were incredibly worried about me and the baby and it was only compounded by the fact they lived 9 hours away in Texas. But, we all accepted it as God's gift. We thanked Him and prayed...a lot. With my girls I didn't want to know what I was having. I loved that element of surprise. But not this time. I'd been surprised enough! So, when the sono-tech told us it was a boy, we were so excited. I'd had Grayson's name picked out since I was pregnant with Haley. So, I was thrilled to use it. I was very lucky and God watched over me and I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy. I went into labor on my own and Grayson was born 2 days past his due date at a healthy 7lb 9oz and 20 inches. (I don't have peanut-size babies, folks.) He was perfect. A head full of dark hair and long, skinny limbs. Guess no redhead for me! Grayson has continued to be the element of surprise in our lives. He is more dramatic than both girls combined. He is so, so sensitive! And his temper can't even be put into words. But when he is tired and he climbs into my lap and cuddles, I can't imagine a life without him. God knew I needed this little man in my life. Our family is truly complete; 2 girls, 2 boys, and parents who are going crazy! Here are a few pics of Grayson through the years.

Hitting Home

2010-06-25T03:07:00.002-05:00

I received an email the other day from my mom and it included this quote:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly
where you are meant to be.. May you not forget the infinite
possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use
the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been
given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let
this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom
to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of
us"

This really hit home for me. I am constantly second guessing my decisions. I am also very hard on myself. I easily forget that this is just ME. That the people who love me, love me for who I am. The Lord has truly blessed me in my life.

An Anniversary That Won't Soon be Forgotten!

2010-05-15T19:25:00.002-05:00

May 12th started out like any other day for me. I arrived home on Tuesday just after 11. I laid in bed forever wishing for sleep. Watched the clock roll over and silently told my husband "happy anniversary". I think I finally fell asleep around 2am. Nothing out of the ordinary. Little did I know that in a a few short hours my day would be upside down.

Around 5 am I awoke to some pain in my side. I attributed it to normal "female stuff" so I got up and immediately took some ibuprofen. I dinked around waiting for it to kick in. OK, so it was taking a little longer than usual and this pain was BAD. I kissed Nathan goodbye and reminded him of my obligations for the day. There ended my "normal" day. Within 20 minutes I was in excruciating pain. Pain I had never experienced before (and remember, I have 3 children). Nothing made it better. I tried every position I could think of. I knew this was beyond the help of ibuprofen. I called Nathan and told him I needed to go the the hospital. I then called my best friend, Kinzi and asked her to come take care of the kids. It seemed like an eternity before Nathan got there. He could tell this was more than "female stuff". He kept asking if he needed to call an ambulance, but I said no. I didn't want to scare the kids any more than they already were. He helped me get dressed and into the car just as Kinzi pulled up. He gave her instructions and off we went. I tossed and turned in the car trying to get comfortable. But the pain just got worse. I prayed that God would help me find that "place" where I could breathe through it. Finally I relented and instructed Nathan to pull over at the fire station/medic post in Derby and get me some help. I was quickly put into the ambulance where they hooked me up to an IV, shot in pain meds and took me to the hospital. The paramedic quickly realized that I was beyond their help. When two doses of painkillers didn't phase my pain, he knew I wasn't faking it. We pulled into the ambulance bay and I was inside the hospital in no time. For hours I writhed around in pain. I had nurses and doctors poking and prodding me. I layed there crying out in pain because I didn't know what else to do. They provided me with more painkillers on 2 different occassions, only to see they weren't helping. I was put through a CT scan, an external ultrasound and an internal ultrasound. Then, more waiting. Nathan and my parents took turns holding my hand and trying to keep me calm. All the while, I could read the worry and helplessness on their faces. After a while the doctor came in and told me that they believed I had a twisted ovary (known as ovarian torsion) and that I had a 4cm cyst inside my right ovary that looked bad. Surgery was the only answer. With that I was given another shot of painkillers (that actually worked) and the rude nurse knew I wasn't faking my pain. Calls were made and plans were put into place. I was told I'd be taken upstairs where I would wait for the surgical team to be ready for me. Next thing I know is they are coming into my ER room and taking me directly to surgery. They decided that it was too dangerous to wait. They wheeled me down to surgery where I kissed Nathan goodbye. A half hour later I was getting drugs and that was all I could remember. The next thing I remember is them waking me up in recovery. And I was no longer in any pain. (Thank you God!) Soon I was taken upstairs and put in a room where I was shown pictures of what they found once they got inside. It was unbelieveable! The surgeon said he'd never seen anything like it. Their initial thought of ovarian torsion was correct. My right ovary was extremely twisted. However, the cyst theory was incorrect. What they thought was the cyst was my actual ovary. Due to the twisting it had allowed blood in, but it wouldn't allow it to flow out. My ovary at the time of removal was larger than my uterus and completely full of blood. All you could see was a large, purple mass. It was insane looking. I thanked God for taking care of me and guiding the doctors and nurses and surgeon. I was a very lucky woman.

So, that was how I spent my 9th anniversary. In a hospital hooked up to monitors, having surgery and recovering. I was released the next day with orders to "not overdo it". I must tell you, I'm not so great at following orders. But, I know the power of prayer does work. I had so many people praying for me and all of our prayers were answered. I never meant for this anniversary to be so memorable, but it sure turned out that way. I guess God has his reasons for everything.

I'm a Weight Watcher

2010-05-10T20:12:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am. The past year I have watched it go up! In all seriousness, I've dealt with weight issues most of my life. Some might say I have body dismorphic issues, and that's a possibility. But, most of my adolescent life I was told by a family member that I was "fat". In all reality, I probably wasn't, but as a teenager you don't see it that way. My weight has always fluctuated and I've never been a "skinny" girl. I have curves and meat on my bones. Now that I'm older I can look back and see how ridiculous I was to believe I was fat. How are you fat and wear a size 1? But, I'm no longer a teenager who works out everyday. I am now a middle-aged mom of 3 kids who works insanely weird hours. I'm tired, a lot. Forget tired, I'm exhausted. Working out and eating right have been something that I've put on the back burner for a long time. But, because of work, my weight is now blaringly obvious. My cholesterol is out of control. So, it's time I do something about it. I've joined Weight Watchers. (gulp) I can't believe I'm admitting it. But, there is also something freeing about admitting it. I know that I need help and that I can no longer do this alone. Nor can I ignore it. I had my first meeting last week where I had my initial weigh-in. (No, I will not tell you my weight.) But I will tell you that I have set my goal for 35 pounds. I'd like to lose more, but we will see. I'm hoping that with the support of my co-workers that I can once again find the motivation to be healthy. I want my kids to look at me and see someone healthy. So, I'm learning how to eat again. I'm only allowed so many "points" a day, so keeping track of my food is a must. It isn't fun, I won't lie. I want so much to down a chocolate bar or get a blizzard from DQ. But, I know I will feel guilty later. So, if I seem a little rough or that my patience is running thin, please know most of it isn't personal. I'm just having issues! But, I look forward to the day when I can post that not only am I a Weight Watcher, I'm also a goal achiever!

Only Commas

2010-05-09T15:48:00.003-05:00

As I was flipping through the radio stations this morning, I came across a worship service that caught my attention. I listened for a while and heard the minister say something that stuck. She said, "There are periods in our walk of life with God, only commas." Which meant, in our relationship with God, there is no end, only beginnings. What a great way to think of things. Our walk is never over. If you believe and have accepted Christ into your heart, your journey will continue.

With today being Mother's Day, that means a lot to me. It means that because my mom has Christ in her heart, my time with her has no end. And, the same for my kids. They love God and he fills their hearts. So, I know that even in death we will still have each other. Even bigger than that, we will continue on this glorious journey with Christ, together.

Time for a Mulligan

2010-05-03T19:49:00.002-05:00

For those of you that play golf, or even miniature golf you know what I mean when I refer to a "mulligan". It's kind of a second chance, but if you are playing with the right people you can get quite a few. That's how I view my relationship with God. He gives me LOTS of mulligans. When I don't quite make the shot the first time, He is there to let me try again. Thanks goodness! I've always had a love for Christ in my heart. I grew up going to Sunday School and learning His ways. In junior high I attended a camp for FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) and while I was there I remember being overcome with emotion hearing Roger Cooper speak and deciding to dedicate my life to Christ. I remember tears streaming down my face, but my shoulders feeling lighter than they had in some time. When I got home I was bursting with pride. However, being a teenager I didn't quite lead that Christ-like life. But, He continued to give me chances.

When I had Haley I had every intention on bringing her up in the church and wanting her to love Jesus the way that I did. But, I let life get in the way and that hasn't happened. I believe God started an intervention last year. Haley befriended a girl at school who invited her to Caravans, which is a weekly Bible study group. She began going and learning. Soon she was spreading her knowledge to her brother and sister. Over the summer the girls attended a couple different Vacation Bible School programs. They had a glow to them I hadn't seen before. They taught Grayson songs and dances and they reveled in the glow of God. Summer came and went and all 3kids were invited to attend Caravans this year. They love it. They have a joy in their heart that I can't explain.

So, then it comes back to me. I miss that joy in my heart. I NEED that joy. So, I am starting over. I'm taking a mulligan. It's time that I take a step in the right direction and give my life back over to God. I know that He is there waiting. For my friends who are following a path to Christ, I'll need your help. I'm scared and nervous and whatever other word you want to put in there. But, I'm also excited. I need this and I need Him.

Epic Fail

2010-03-19T11:36:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel like a failure? I do. A lot.

A couple of posts back I made some goals for myself. Guess what? I have failed at them. I haven't been working out like I want. It started out because I hurt my knee. Then I got sick. Now I just have no motivation. FAIL.

I also mentioned that I wanted to find a church and begin going. Haven't done it. What's weird is that I want to SO MUCH. But, I am scared to go. I'm scared of people judging me because I have lost my way and it's been a long time since I have worshipped.

Sometimes I feel like I am failing as a parent. I easily lose my patience and snap at the kids. I don't always set the best example. I try to teach them right from wrong, yet I catch them doing things they shouldn't do and talking in tones that are destructive instead of constructive. Then I have to look at myself. I talk that way. I've tried to justify it by saying I'm 32 and I've earned the right, but the truth is I don't need to speak that way, either. At times I feel I've failed the kids because we don't belong to a church. I grew up in church and always thought my kids would, too. But somehow that hasn't happened. The kids go to Bible school every Wednesday and really enjoy it and that just drives it home even more that I have failed in that aspect. I know my kids love me and they probably don't even notice that I am failing. But I know in my heart that I have made too many mistakes.

A few years ago Nathan and I attended Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We learned about money management and budgeting and how to get out of debt. We were on the right path for a while, but somewhere we lost our way. I could make a thousand excuses as to why it happened, but they will all fall short. The truth is we got lazy. It was easier to spend the money than save it. We didn't fail Dave, we failed each other.

Do you think that Jesus ever feels like he has failed? Do you think when He looks at our failures that He feels like He has failed? That hurts me. I would never want my parents to feel as if they failed and sure wouldn't want Jesus to feel that way. But how do I fix this? How do I find the strength and faith in myself to make things better?

My Favorite Things

2010-03-08T05:23:00.003-06:00

I think this week I am going to posting some of my favorite things. With spring and summer coming I am itching to get into my "fun" shoes. So, these are my FAVORITE pair of shoes. They are by "Not Rated". I found them last year at Lucinda's and fell in love. I can't wait to pull out these jewels!

Goals

2010-02-22T06:29:00.002-06:00

Most people make New Year's Resolutions. I've tried doing that in the past, only to fail. I'm not big on failure. So, I've decided that this year I need to set myself some short-term goals throughout the year. Now, I did set one long-term goal. I mentioned it in a previous post. It is to help more people than I hurt. I am working on it. I am trying to make my words kinder and my tone softer. It's a work in progress (as am I).

Now for my goals.

#1: Get close to God again. I bought a devotional for busy moms and I plan on starting it today. I think that if my relationship with God is strengthened then maybe some of these other things in my life will fall into place.

#2: Work out 3 days a week for the next 30 days. I started out the year all gung-ho but have faded. Time to get back on track.

#3: No new clothing purchases for me for 6 months. That's a toughy. If you know me, you know I LOVE to shop. But, I dont' NEED to shop. I have plenty of clothes in my wardrobe and I'm going to make them work.

#4: No new clothing purchases for the kids for the next 6 months that aren't needed. I have to do this because in 6 months it will be back to school time and the kids are all at ages where growth spurts are a mainstay.

#5: Get back on the Dave Ramsey plan. Nathan and I did well for a while, but when we moved back and took pay cuts, we relapsed into our old habits. I'm tired of bills being late and getting calls. I'm tired of the stress.

See why #1 is getting close with God? I really feel like something is missing in my life and He is that piece. I know that if our relationship is rekindled that I can be unstoppable. "I can all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Tragedy Strikes

2010-02-09T05:28:00.002-06:00

Tragedy has once again befallen my small hometown. Yesterday two precious lives were lost. A 3 year old girl and her 4 year old sister were killed in a housefire. I can't begin to imagine the heartache the family is going through. Please lift up the family and our community in prayers. It has left us all with broken hearts and unanswered questions. I still can't seem to wrap my mind around all of this. (I mean, Grayson is 4 years old.) God now has two new angels by his side.

Lord, whose ways are beyond understanding, listen to the prayers of your faithful people: that those weighed down by grief at the loss of these little girls
may we find reassurance in your infinite goodness.

Biting My Tongue

2010-01-22T16:57:00.002-06:00

You can ask most anyone who really knows me and they will tell you that I am not one to mince words. I tend to speak my mind, sometimes a bit too freely. I at times lack a filter. My main goal this year is to help more people than I hurt. While it sounds simple, I'm sure it won't be. Today I was reading an article by Phil Ware titled "Ohnosecond!" It's about those little seconds in life where you think "Oh No!" We all have them. (Mine normally occur at work when I've entered something incorrectly but I've already hit enter.) He gave some great advice on how to avoid some of those bigger "ohnoseconds" in life. He said, "Remember the importance of your words. Don't be overly quick to say things, render opinions,or pontificate. Words leave a long residue of stain and pain when they are spoken irresponsibly." That hit home for me. You probably remember when we were young we had the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well, we know that isn't true. Often, words hurt the most. You can't take them back once they are out there. He also said, "Listen to others instead of just riding out their conversation. To be heard, really heard, is about the greatest blessing we can give someone else." Again, very true. So many times we might "hear" what someone is saying but we aren't listening to them. Put away your cell phone, shut off the TV and become actively involved in conversations. Finally, he said, "Rather than trying to fix what we've said and try to ocme up with something clever or something to cover during that ohnosecond, we need to ask for forgiveness. Not effusively, not repeatedly, just simply: 'I'm really sorry. That was stupid (or insensitive) of me. Please forgive me.' For many people, I think this may be the hardest. It's hard to admit we've done wrong. But, we need to take the time to be adults and admit our mistakes. Your heart will feel so much better by not having that weight on it. I'm hoping by remembering these few things I can eliminate some of the ohnoseconds in my life.

Shred is now a bad word in my dictionary of life...

2010-01-06T03:14:00.002-06:00

If you follow me on facebook, you've seen me make a couple of posts about "Shred". It is a workout video by the demon Jilian Michaels of "The Biggest Loser". I'd read about it on the Suburban Turmoil blog some time back and it kept creaping into my psyche. Now, if you all know me well, you know I would rather roll around in broken glass then exercise. But, I feel it's a bad sign when you go to the doctor for an ear infection (which really wasn't, but that's neither here nor there) and he gets on you about your weight. Wasn't aware the two were related, but apparently he felt the need to find the correlation. But, it was also what I needed. When we were living in Olathe, I lost a bunch of weight (nearly 40 pounds). In the year and a half since we've been back, I've put most of that back on. I've been trying to ignore the size of my pants or how I used to look all slim and svelte in certain tops and now they hug me a little more than they should. But, it isn't all about vanity, either. High cholesterol runs in my family and it has invaded my life. My cholesterol is almost 100 points higher than it should be. At 32 that is unacceptable. (OK at any age it is unacceptable.) I have four kids and a husband to think about and I'd like to enjoy grandkids someday. So, that's what kicked my butt down the fitness aisle at the store. There it was, staring me in the face. Jilian was looking at me. Taunting me. I could here her whispering that there was no way I could master her video. So, I grabbed it up, threw it in my cart, added some hand weights and headed for the checkout. For a few days the video sat on my dresser. I looked at it, but wasn't quite ready. After all, I had New Year's Eve and Mariah's birthday lunch that I had to get through first. I made Monday THE day. I took the kids to school, came home, changed clothes and popped Jilian into the DVD player. I was thinking positive that I wasn't in THAT bad of shape. I mean, surely level one wouldn't be that bad. WRONG. I was ready to strangle Jilian and her fabulous-looking sidekicks about 3 minutes into the exercise. (Not counting the warm-up) But, I persevered and finished. I was sweaty and out of breath. But, I'd done it. I was proud of myself. I decided to drink my water and treat myself to some computer time before bed. Big mistake. I could barely get out of my chair because my legs were now made of rubber. I hurt everywhere. By the next morning I didn't feel too bad so I attempted day 2. I did a little better, but am now more sore. But, the funny thing is, I feel good. I am doing something to improve my life. I am setting an example for my kids. When I get brave enough I will post pictures of "before" and then throughout the process. As good as I feel though, I'd still give anything to strangle Jilian!

Scrapbooker's Delight

2009-11-10T03:47:00.002-06:00

With the holidays just around the corner, I find myself perusing Etsy a little more than normal. I'm involved in several gift exchanges and always like to find something a little different. I came across Hebeaccessories and found this adorable tape. I have a "thing" for matroyshka dolls, so this is right up my alley. If I scrapbooked I would probably squeal with delight opening this little treasure. So, check them out! Lots of cute stuff and oh so affordable!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Hebeaccessories

Personalized

2009-11-09T03:24:00.003-06:00

Having 3 kids can create quite the quandry when it comes to purchasing items. They all want what each other has, but if you buy identical you can't ever tell them apart! My kids love having things with their names on, especially the younger two since it's difficult to find anything with their name! I found these last year and they were a HUGE hit! I think Santa will possibly purchase the matching bowls this year. So, if you like personalized stuff, check out www.emtannerdesigns.com

Grumpy

2009-08-07T15:50:00.002-05:00

I think that is my new name. It seems that is what Nathan and the kids are calling me as of late. But, I can't blame them. I am GRUMPY. I did something stupid. I decided that I would attempt to get off of my Paxil. I'm not sure why I made that decision. It must have been temporary insanity. But, I know it was a mistake. I know that a lot of people look down on other people who take this type of medicine. Or they have some kind of pre-conceived notion of what "kind" of people take it. But let me tell you, I didn't ask for this. Anxiety and depression run in my family. I think almost every female on either side suffer from one or both. For many years I suffered through it; barely being able to go out to dinner or go shopping without feeling like I was going to get sick or hyperventilate, or both. After many heart to hearts with family members, friends and my doctor we all came to the conclusion that the stigma of being medicated was worth it if I could lead a "normal" life. Well, fast forward to a few weeks ago. I thought I was doing OK and for some reason thought I'd be brilliant and attempt to live my life without my Paxil. Bad idea. I often have days where I feel like I can hardly breathe or like I am coming out of my skin. It has been exasterbated by issues going on at work. I've come to the conclusion that I will most likely have to be on this for the rest of my life. But, I am finally growing OK with it. Some people just need "help" and I guess I am one of those people. (And I really can't believe I just shared that with the entire internet world.)

For the Shoe Lover

2009-06-16T00:05:00.002-05:00

I am a confessed shoe whore and have apparently passed the trait along to my girls. (I could have passed along worse!) I've been trying to come up with a scheme for girls' room (whenever Hubs decides to finish it) and I think these would look fantastic smattered about the walls.

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=7220533

Look Good Enough To Eat...

2009-06-15T02:37:00.003-05:00

Even though they are vegan, I think I will pass. These soaps are so.stinkin'.cute! Made by DirtyAssSoaps on Etsy. I think these will make adorable party favors!

http://www.etsy.com/profile.php?user_id=5111675

Etsy

2009-06-13T16:06:00.004-05:00

It's no big secret that I LOVE to shop. Seriously. Especially when it comes to my kids. It must be something inherited from my mom. (I like to pass blame.) I've been a huge Ebayer for years. Sadly enough, I've bought more than I've sold. Then, along came Etsy. I did my damndest to stay away. I really did. But there is just TOO much cute stuff. And I am a sucker for custom-made items. (Shoot, the kids used to be Ebay models on the custom circuit for a while.) I had been doing really well and hadn't purchased a single item, just coveted them until Mother's Day. I found something I wanted and Nathan ordered one for me and his mom. Now, I am truly hooked. Guess I'd better start selling on Ebay to fund my passion for Etsy. So, every once in a while I'll hook you up with some of my favorite sellers. The first is The Vintage Pearl. Nathan bought me an awesome necklace for Mother's Day that has the kids's names stamped on it. The second is a gal who makes the cutest placemats. What great gifts!

(This is not the necklace that Nathan purchased for me, but similar)

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5135533

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6105239

I figure if I'm going to be addicted, I'm NOT doing it alone!

One Vice Down

2009-05-25T04:48:00.003-05:00

I am officially free of soda for 3 weeks! I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is huge for me. I am a Diet Coke addict. Now, I haven't totally given up caffiene (I do work 3rd shift), but I have cut down on it tremendously. I mostly only drink water with the occassional iced tea or Crystal Lite. So, step one on my way to weight loss. (I hope.)

Today I am starting my 30 in 30. I know I am late, but there have been several issues hindering my start date. But, today I am ready and focused. (It helped trying on clothes from last summer. Or should I say, attempting to try them on.) Nothing like a kick in the pants.

My friend Sara has convinced me to train for a triathalon for next year. Nathan says he will join me as will 2 of my best friends, Kinzi and Callie. Now to just find one to compete in!

I hope you all have a safe and happy Memorial weekend.

Changes...They are a coming!

2009-05-18T23:14:00.001-05:00

I don't want to get into it all right now, but I've got some big life changes coming up. If I'm not around, or I seem moody, just please know it isn't anything personal.

30 in 30

2009-05-13T05:18:00.003-05:00

I got this idea from another blog I read. I wish I could take credit, but I cannot. I've talked quite a bit about my battle with bulge. I'm a little obsessive. Sorry. But I've come to the realization that the reason I'm not losing is two-fold. #1 I LOVE food! #2 I HATE excercise! Bad combination. So, I have set a goal for myself. I'll need help attaining this goal, but I know I have to do it. I've decided for the next 30 days, I will do 30 minutes of physical activity each day. I'm not going to limit myself to what I might do, because I know the boredom will set in. So, it might be a walk (I don't run unless being chased), a bike ride or just a work-out video. I'm hoping by the end of 30 days I will no longer loathe exercising and it will just be a formed habit. So, wish me luck and PLEASE hold me accountable!

Sharing

2009-05-10T22:03:00.009-05:00

I thought I'd share a picture of why my life is blessed. Not only has God given me 3 wonderful (most of the time) children to watch over daily, He has also gifted me with 2 special nephews. What I wouldn't do for any of these kids...

Middle Bit: 5 Years
Big Bit: 8 1/2 Years
Baby C: 3 months
P: 2 Years
Little Bit: 3 1/2 Years

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:53:00.004-05:00

It's hard to believe that I have been blessed with 8 Mother's Days. Some of them have been full of joy and others have been sad, but no matter the emotion of the day I know that my cup truly runneth over. My 3 bits make each day interesting and exciting. Viewing the world through their eyes is always an experience. On this day I also remember 2 other special bits of my life who watch over us every day from Heaven. I know that one day I will also hear their special voices calling me Mom.

I have been blessed with an amazing mom. She may tend to be over the top and totally dramatic, but I couldn't love her more or have more admiration for her.

My heart and life have been blessed to meet so many wonderful moms the last few years. It makes my heart swell when I think of some of the great friends I have made and how this variety of women has completed my life.

A good friend and fellow mom sent this to me and I tucked it away knowing one day I'd share it. I think today is the perfect day. So thank you Kim and happy FIRST Mother's day to you and to all the wonderful mommies out there.

Invisible Mother......
>
> It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.
>
> Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
>
> Obviously, not.
>
> No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
>
> I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?
>
> Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What > number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
>
> I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!
>
> One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..
>
> Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.
>
> I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.
>
> I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'
>
> It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe ..
>
> I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
>
> 'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
>
> In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
>
> No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
>
> These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
>
> They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
>
> The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
>
> A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees'
>
> I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.
>
> It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
>
> At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.
>
> It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
>
> I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.
>
> The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
>
> When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him
> to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'
>
> As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.
>
> And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
>
> Great Job, MOM!
>

> Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does.
>
>
> We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

A Trip to the Dentist

2009-04-24T12:51:00.002-05:00

The other day I was feeling very courageous and took all 3 bits to the dentist. It was the first time for Middle Bit and Little Bit. I thought Little would be problematic. Boy was I wrong! He climbed up in that chair and did everything they asked of him. The only thing they had problems with was the xray where they put that little card in the mouth. But, they weren't terribly concerned since they had the 360. He checked out fine and was on his way with a goodie bag and balloon. What a great way to start out. Too bad it didn't end up that way. Middle Bit and Big Bit both have cavities which will be a small fortune to fix. Big Bit also had an ortho consult. I was thinking we had a few years before we started anything because she hasn't lost all of her baby teeth. WRONG! Apparently her upper jaw is too small and she needs a palate expander. They want to put it on with a few brackets in the next couple of months. So, what we'd planned on insurance covering for braces will now be spent on the expander. I have no experience with one of these. I wore braces for 4 years and they pulled permanent teeth as well as my wisdom teeth, but nothing like this. They also told us that Middle Bit will need one and to start saving because both girls will need the expander as well as braces. Fantastic. But, at least we got an advance warning and can save for a couple of years. Maybe Little Bit will be lucky and take after my brother and Woody and not need any ortho work. I can hope, right?

Unacceptable

2009-03-25T01:58:00.003-05:00

The size of my ass. Seriously. I worked so hard over the last couple of years to lose weight and since I've moved back to Wichita all I've done is pack on the pounds. What is it about this place? I can try to blame it on thyroid issues or blood sugar issues all I want, but part of it is that I LIKE FOOD! A friend of mine told me I'm getting fat because I'm happy again. (Being back home.) And that happy people eat. So that creates a quandry in and of itself. I'm unhappy that I'm a lardo, but do I go into a depression just to get thin? That doesn't seem right, either. So now I have some things to figure out. How can I eat what I want and it not make me blow up? Or, how can I eat more healthy but still feel satisfied? And, how am I supposed to exercise when my knees are on the verge of having a blow-out? I don't know. I think I'll go munch on some coconut creme Hershey kisses while I ponder all of this.

Playing "Where's Waldo"

2009-03-04T02:35:00.002-06:00

That's kind of how I feel right now. I feel like I am here, there and everywhere. I haven't updated in a while, so I figure while it's quiet I'll take a minute or two.

Things are going well. I am currently splitting my work hours. I work Friday and Saturday on 2nd shift and Sunday, Monday and Tuesday on 3rd. It messes up my sleep schedule, but we are short people so I am trying to help out. I'm also picking up overtime when I can. There are a few things we are really working on having paid off by August, so that is where that money is going. I also have a trainee sitting with me the next 3 weeks. I haven't trained in a while, so I'm having to get back into a groove. My schedule makes my home/personal life pretty much non-existant. Thank goodness I am surrounded by understanding family and friends.

We took an unexpected trip to Arkansas a couple of weeks ago. Nathan's grandpa (Granddaddy) passed away. He took it pretty hard. We haven't seen him in over 6 years. In fact, he's never even met Mariah or Grayson. We know that he understood and loved us none-the-less. But, it was still hard for Nathan to swallow. I think it really brought home the importance of family and spending quality time with them.

The kids are doing well. Haley is flourishing in 3rd grade. Her teacher had nothing but good things to say at conferences. Sometimes it sounds like she is describing a different child than what walks through the door at my house! Mariah is LOVING her peer model program. Her teacher said she exemplifies what it means to be a peer model. She said that when she transitions to Kindergarten that she has no doubt she will continue to be a model student. That really made my day. She is really picking up on things quickly. After 2 weeks she was already able to write her name. Haley often plays "school" with her at home and is teaching her basic math. I need to get some flashcards and such so they can do more "school work". Grayson is....Grayson. He is 3 and I feel it in my bones every single day. That child is non-stop from the time he gets up until he falls asleep. I'd love to get him into a preschool program, but his hyperactivity concerns me. He is still my tiny boy, but is starting to catch up to others his age.

Other than all of that, not a lot to report. This month is filled with training, overtime, spring break and my one sanity saving night of Bunco. While I tend to complain about the speed of our life and the stages of the kids, I wouldn't have it any other way. I know these days are short-lived and I'll look back in a couple of years and wonder where they all went.

People with NOTHING to do...

2009-02-09T17:47:00.002-06:00

People need to mind their own business. Within the last month, I have read 2 blogs (one belonging to a fantastic woman on my moms group) where CPS has been called on the writers. Seriously people? Many of us bloggers, men and women alike, blog to get things out. We also blog to share our ups and downs, joys and downfalls with people. Never would I think of calling CPS or the police on someone from another state whom I've never met. While I don't know all the circumstances surrounding the callings and I'm sure I never will, I just want to send cyber hugs to those that have had to deal with this. It's disgraceful.

Am I a Loser???

2009-01-30T12:40:00.002-06:00

I sure hope so! The City of Derby is sponsoring a Biggest Loser contest for city employees. While I was in Gardner I worked really hard on getting my weight off, but since we've moved back I've been slacking and have started putting the weight back on. YIKES! So, I am hoping that this, paired with my other mommy friends working on getting healthy will be what I need to get my butt in gear. I've battled my weight for as long as I can remember. (But seriously, what was I thinking calling myself "fat" when I was a size 1??? I haven't seen that number for a long time unless there was another number following it!) I'm going to get an elliptical for the house, because I don't have and can't afford a gym membership. So, wish me luck and hopefully by summer you'll see an improved Marissa!

How do you stop history from repeating itself?

2009-01-25T21:05:00.002-06:00

A very dear friend of mine (I will call her "K"), albeit MUCH younger, but still dear just found out she is pregnant. She is young, unmarried and her boyfriend is a complete tool. This girl has been a part of my life for quite a few years and has really become part of my family. I've often told her mom how much she reminds me of myself at that age. Goes to show I wasn't too far off. This time nine years ago I was sitting my parents down and telling them that I was pregnant. I'll never forget that look of disappointment in their eyes. Now K is going through the same thing. She has a crappy, dead-end job with no prospect of advancement, she is young and doesn't have a specialized skill, but worst of all, she has a boyfriend that she loves more than he loves her. How do I make her see that she is better than that and that she deserves better than that? I grew up in a fairly strict family, so making things work was a given. But how do I let her know she doesn't have to follow that same path? That just because he's the father doesn't make him a good life partner, much less a good dad? How do I make her see that she has worth and that she can do this without him? I've made the best of my situation, but I want more for her.

When is Enough, Enough?

2009-01-24T00:01:00.002-06:00

How long do you attempt to communicate with someone knowing it does no good? How many restless, sleepless nights do you go before taking action? How many normal conversations turned arguments do you have before you stop talking? How long do you go knowing you are giving all of yourself but knowing the person isn't? How long do you take to decide that leaving is easier than staying?

40 Tips for 2009

2009-01-23T10:04:00.002-06:00

It's funny how things show up just when you need them. A friend of mine who probably doesn't even read this emailed this to me. It really struck a chord. Yesterday I needed to vent in a bad, bad way. Today I am in a better place and ready to put some of these to the test.

40 Tips for a Better Life - 2009

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.

7. Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of six.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants. Eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let ne w and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, or issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime .

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. REMEMBER GOD heals everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!!!)

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. Let the LOVE that comes into your life, go out of your life.

Party Pics

2009-01-07T15:30:00.000-06:00

5 Years

2009-01-04T20:56:00.002-06:00

Where has the time gone? Middle Bit turned 5 today. It doesn't seem possible. She was our little miracle baby. (Not that I don't believe all babies are miracles.) But, we worked so hard to get her here. It was a long, touchy pregnancy and she was born perfectly healthy. She had an angel watching over her, because her cord had a perfect, complete knot that baffled the doctor. My dark-headed princess is now a blond-haired diva. We celebrated today with family. She wanted a cake in the shape of a purse, so I tried my hand at cake-making/decorating. It turned out ok, but I definitely need some classes! But, she liked it so that was what was important. She got to celebrate her day with those that love her. Tomorrow she has her first day of pre-kindergarten. My baby isn't a baby anymore.

A Year of Change

2008-12-31T11:36:00.002-06:00

It's hard to believe it is New Years Eve day. This year has gone by so fast. It has been a year filled with changes, most of them positive. (Putting on weight that I worked my arse off to lose is NOT one of those positive changes.) Nathan and I have had rough patches, but we are really trying to work on our relationship. The kids have grown exponentially, in so many ways. They never cease to amaze me. (Or irritate the crap out of me, but I guess that's their job.) I decided to take charge of my happiness and made some command decisions. As much as I miss my friends in Olathe, moving back has been a great thing. I've become closer to my brother and sister in law and that brings so much joy to my heart. I've reconnected with old friends and made some amazing new friends at work. I've started recarving my niche at DPD and really like my job for the first time in a long time. Sometimes starting over at the bottom isn't a bad thing. I've made a point to put myself "out there" and joined in activities on my mom's group and have formed friendships that are true lifesavers. I never knew what it was like to have friends like this. My life is so much fuller because of them. I never knew that Bunco and MNO could bring so much laughter!

So now we look onto 2009. I imagine it will bring about many more changes. While I'd love to lost 20 pounds, I'm not putting that expectation on myself. What I do expect is to bring on a healthier lifestyle for myself and my family. Mariah starts her schooling on January 5th. She'll be a peer model for the early childhood classes. She is ecstatic. In the fall she will start Kindergarten and Haley will begin 4th grade. Grayson will soon begin preschool. It will be strange to not have to fix boo-boos, quiet screams, and wipe away tears. I suppose Nathan will expect me to be a better housekeeper. I'll have to work on that. I have a nephew who is expected to make his entrance any day. I can't wait to meet Connor and see Peyton interact with him. My friend Christie is also due soon. I imagine Ms. Ivy will be just as beautiful as her older sister. Nathan and I started Financial Peace in 2008. While we have gotten off track, we are making it a goal to start over and use the tools we were taught.

I can't wait to see what this year brings; the laughter and the tears. It is sure to be a year I will never forget.

Happy Stinkin' Holidays to Me!

2008-12-01T22:07:00.002-06:00

OK, I generally try to not complain about money. But, today just SUCKED! It's bad enough our tags have to be renewed right before Christmas, but we plan for that and try to work a little overtime here and there to cover that added expense. Well, today we socked with a huge, unexpected expense. Let me backtrack a little. We used to own 2 jet-skis and a double trailer. We sold them in April 2007. Last November I went and paid the 2006 taxes on them and I informed them we no longer had the skis or trailer. They said to send them a bill of sale so that our 2007 taxes could be pro-rated. So, when I got back to Gardner I photocopied it and stuck in the mail never giving it another thought. Fast forward to today. I call Sumner County to inquire what our 2007 bill looks like so I can come pay it. I'm expecting maybe $100. Well, it turns out the bill of sale never made it to the treasurer's office. So, we got stuck with an almost $500 tax bill. I am just sick over it. That had to come out of Christmas money and money I had saved up to pay my friends Peppi and Rudy. It just really sucks. And while I don't want to let it ruin my Christmas spirit, I must say that "Murphy" is doing a good job of dampening it. So, I'm going to rummage through my stuff and see if I can't get some of my Coach bags sold. I hate to do it, but I want to give the kids/family a Christmas and I want to pay back my friends. So, if I seem to say "no" in the next few weeks when it comes to going out or doing something fun, please don't think I'm being a scrooge. I'm trying my best not to be. I'm just going to scrooge-like when it comes to my money!

Do a Little Dance...

2008-11-30T20:41:00.001-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Growth Spurts

2008-11-21T21:20:00.002-06:00

Yeah, they suck. I know they are inevitable, but boy do they come at the wrong times! Middle Bit has decided that she needs to grow. I knew it was coming. The last few weeks she has eaten non-stop. (For those that have known her, she used to eat like a bird and was very picky.) She's also been taking 2 hour naps. Yesterday was my proof. She put on a pair of jeans that I purchased beginning of OCTOBER and they are getting too small. I'd adjusted the waist when she first wore them, so I let them out. They were also almost too short. Which means, she has an entire wardrobe of new clothes that are getting ready to be useless. It also means if her body is growing, her feet are sure to follow. That also means a collection of shoes that she can't wear. Now, when Haley does this it isn't so bad. I can hold onto the good stuff and pass it down to Mariah. I can't quite pass Mariah's stuff to Grayson! Ugh! Thank goodness I didn't buy her any clothes for Christmas!

Customer Service

2008-11-15T19:12:00.004-06:00

I am one who thinks that the days of customer service are something of the past. And I'm not talking about sales people asking if you need anything, I'm talking about them going above and beyond to make you happy. It's rare that you find those people. And I do my fair share of shopping. Anyway, today did prove to me that not all hope is lost. I went to Von Maur to pick out a pair of boots. They were out in the size/color I was wanting. The salesman was very helpful and told me that he could call other stores and see if they had any and if they did, they would ship them directly to my house. Mind you, I was just in this same store the other night in a similar predicament and the salesBOY didn't even bother. He quickly dismissed me telling they only had a size 10. The gentleman today knew I had a couple other places to visit, not to mention I had 4 children tagging along with me. He took my information, put a hold on my 2nd choice of boots and another item I was purchasing and said he'd start calling. After about 45 minutes I made my way back and he told me he'd found my boots and I should expect them within the week. He'd called about half a dozen stores until he found them. He made my day. THIS is the type of customer service that people need to learn. If he hadn't found them, I'd have bought my 2nd choice without a second thought because he'd been so nice and tried to make me happy. So, next time you are in the shoe department of Von Maur, try to scout an a middle-aged man with glasses, I believe his name is Mark. He is wonderful and I will try to find him for my next purchase.

1 Off, 21 On

2008-11-02T20:59:00.002-06:00

In the last 22 days, I have worked 21, with one day off. I worked 19 of those days back to back. Holy Cow! What was I thinking? I am sooo burnt out! 32 hours of overtime in 2 weeks is just too much. I know more about what is going on in the lives of my co-workers, their spouses and their kids than I do in what's going on the life of my spouse and kids. No, I don't get any "fun money" out of it, either. I'm being responsible and using it to renew the tags on the vehicles. I know, BORING! My husband has been feeling much like a single parent the last few weeks. However, the next couple of months won't be much better. It's now HIS turn to work the overtime. Plus, we've got the Food Co-op this month, Thanksgiving (at my house), birthday parties and other activities. Next month I'm having a get-together, then we've got Christmas (probably also at my house), my birthday, other birthdays/celebrations and then New Years. Maybe after the beginning of the year it'll settle down....maybe if I just click my heals....

Bravo!

2008-10-30T22:17:00.002-05:00

There was quite a spectacle tonight at McDonald's on Rock Rd in Derby. A young girl (maybe around 10) was seen sitting at a table with some adults. She had a sign around her neck that read, "I am a bully and a liar". The adults she was with were carrying on as if everything was normal. Well, the manager didn't like the situation because the employees were too busy watching the child and not paying attention to their work. So, they took it upon themselves to call the police department. Mind you, the child was looking quite humiliated, but was not crying or acting scared in any way. The police come out and contact the adults, who turned out to be the girl's grandparents. Apparently, this young girl had struck another child at school. A note was sent home by the principal to the parents (who are currently out of town). The girl forged her parent's signature on the paper and turned it back in. When questioned, she lied about it multiple times until finally telling the truth. So, parents and grandparents came up with the sign as her punishment. I think it is fantastic. I love seeing parents and grandparents having an active role in their child's punishment. Yes, they could have grounded her or spanked her. But, I think this really drove a point home with her. It definitely caught the attention of everyone in McDonalds. More children need to learn their are consequences for their actions. I, for one, applaud these parents and grandparents. So, for those that know me, don't be surprised if you see one of my "Bits" running around with a sign.

Say a Little Prayer

2008-10-28T21:24:00.002-05:00

The other night I was thinking how before every meal and at bedtime, we kids always said the same prayers. For dinner it was:

"God we thank you for this food. For rest and home and all things good. For wind and rain and sun above. But most of all for those we love. Amen."

It's funny after all these years that I still remember that like it was yesterday. For bedtime it was:

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. To guide me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light. Amen."

When Haley was young, I'd sit down with her every night that I was home and I taught her the same bedtime prayer. As I had more kids and my work schedule (along with too many other things) got in the way. I've decided that I am going to make an effort to teach the kids my special prayers. But, I'd love to teach them some others as well. So, for those that have them, I'd love to see them.

2 Months!

2008-10-25T21:35:00.002-05:00

Holy cow! There is only 2 months left until Christmas! Where has this year gone? It seems like yesterday that we were moving back and now it's the end of October!

I should have realized how close Christmas was. We went to Lowe's the other day and they already have aisles filled with decorations. K-Mart is advertising lay-away (the only smart discount store to offer it. Normally I don't shop there, but I may have to make an exception.) The worst perpetrator? Nick Jr and The Disney Channel. Not that I let my kids sit in front of a TV all day long, but my goodness. Every stinkin' time they turn that thing on there is a commercial for some new, great toy that one of the munchkins just HAS to have. The other day, Middle Bit tells me we need to go to the store. I ask her why. She mumbles the name of some toy and tells me, "It's available in stores now!" Fantastic. So now I have Middle Bit and Little Bit as walking advertisements. It's amazing how many toys/books/movies they "need". Boy, will they be disappointed come December 25th when they realize I didn't leave cheese for Santa.

So, the next two months will be spent saving and purging. Saving money for Christmas and purging all the old books/toys/movies that have lost their luster. I'm big on donating, so the local Care and Share will get their toys that have been taken care of (or barely played with.) I'm also going to start a tradition this year. All 3 kids will pick an angel off of the Angel Tree and purchase something for them. From now until then, the allowance they earn will help to buy a gift for someone who needs it more than they. I figure it's never too early (or too late) to start this lesson.

VICTORY!

2008-10-09T15:53:00.002-05:00

Thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law, I now have a stash of Pumpkin Spice Kisses. They are as decadent as I imagined.

For those wanting or needing them, the new Target store in Derby had a bunch!

It's a Conspiracy!

2008-09-29T19:56:00.001-05:00

These stores that put Pumpkin Spice Kisses in their ads...then you go to the store and they are out.

BASTARDS!

Conversations from the backseat

2008-09-24T18:27:00.002-05:00

OK, get your mind out of the gutter. This is in no way a foray into breaking in the new car! These are just overheard conversations from my kidlets as they ride in the car.

**************************************************************************
(A little intro...Rachael got a new puppy named Tallulah and brought it by to show the kids)

Me: Grayson, did Aunt Rachael come by and see you yesterday?
Mariah: Yes! And she brought her puppy!
Me: Grayson, do you know that dog's name?
Grayson: Yes! It's Tuna!

*************************************************************************

Haley: My 20 questions game didn't guess what I was trying to be.
Me: What were you?
Haley: A baby
Me: And what were the guesses?
Haley: A butt and a human body
(long pause)
Mariah: A baby IS a human body! Duh, Haley!

*************************************************************************

Grayson: That guy is driving a purple car!
Mariah: Purple is probably his favorite color.
(They giggle and we pull away from the stop light)
Grayson: Bye-bye loser!

Yes, a proud moment indeed....

Hump Day

2008-09-24T11:19:00.003-05:00

OK, while I still think that is a bizarre name for the day, it still makes me giggle. Not only is today where we get over the hump of the work week (normal, banker-type people's work week, not mine), it also means only 2 more days until we close! (crossing fingers, toes, eyes, whatever will make it happen.) While I am excited about having a house, I LOATHE moving. And right now, we have stuff stored everywhere; at the rental, at Pep and Rudy's other empty rental, the storage unit (crammed full) and at the farm. Blech! At least I don't have too much stuff to pack up. Don't get me wrong, I am not really complaining. More just talking to hear myself talk because Mariah and Grayson don't have much of an attention span. I'm so excited I can't sleep at night. I think about where we are going to put stuff and what we can do. I also stress about how we are going to afford everything. But, I know I've been taught the tools thanks to Dave Ramsey. Nathan and I just need to buckle down and start using them again. We need to make it a way of life instead of an option. Anyway, my train of thought is so all over the place I'm starting to feel like Mariah and Grayson. Anyway, thanks for the well wishes. We are excited to make our house a home!

"In" vs "Out" Crowd

2008-09-23T14:29:00.004-05:00

It's strange. All of my life it seems like I've struggled to find that place where I "fit". Some of it was my family. I mean, when you are the ONLY redhead and the middle child, that's already two strikes! It doesn't help I have a supersmart, beautiful older sister and a supersmart younger brother. I was always the average student who struggled to get decent grades. Most of the struggling to fit in happened at school, though. When I started elementary school I always thought I was friendly (Lord knows I was talkative.) I tried to befriend most people. But, I always seemed to fall just short of being part of the "in" crowd. You know, the girls who stood together and did cheers for the popular boys while they played basketball or football; the girls that had huge, elaborate slumber parties. I had friends that belonged, but when it came to me being PART of that crowd, I just never was. Once grade school and junior high hit, we really had our niches cut out. While I went through a horribly homely stage (hair turning curly, braces, glasses, the whole bit), the In girls were "blossoming" and starting to wear make-up. When it came time for cheerleader try-outs, it was pointless. Though many of us wanted it, we all knew who would get it. I'll never forget during junior high, some high school members of SADD came over and gave a performance. My sister was part of that performance. Later in the hallway I overheard some of the boys discussing her and one of the made a comment, "Her sister is so hot! I wonder what the hell happened to Marissa." And they all started laughing. For a teenage girl struggling to find herself, that was a heartbreaking blow. High school was a little better, but I still lived in the shadow of my sister. (She was obviously an IN girl.) Teachers often compared me to her. I had guys date me to try and get closer to her, or they would date me because they'd always had a thing for her. But again, I just never measured up the the 5'9" blond. But, I was making my own path. I participated in drama and thespians and debate. I became active in FHA and traveled. I proved that I could dance, too. But even being part of those clubs, I was still on the outskirts of "in". Though towards the end, I really didn't care about being popular. I had a core group of friends, and that was more than I could have asked for. (They still are to this day.)

So, here I am today. 30 years old and still trying to figure out how to fit in and still living in the shadow of Rachael. I'm so not kidding. For instance, one of the officers I work with had a serious crush on her growing up. She was "#1" for him. So, he lovingly refers to me as..."#2". (Seriously people...everytime he says it, it makes me think of poop. And who wants to live being referred to as poop?) Living in her shadow doesn't bother me so much now because I've got plenty to be proud of. But feeling socially inept at 30 is another thing. I think part of it goes back to my line of work. I spend 40+ hours a week speaking code or talking to complete fucktards on the phone. I have found a great group of women/moms and I am finally feeling like maybe I have somewhere that I belong...and maybe I finally am fitting in.

Mom=Maid?

2008-09-18T10:41:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel like those terms are interchangeable? That is how I have been feeling these last couple of months. I feel like all I do is dishes, laundry and cleaning. (Not to mention working full time and being home with the kids all day.) I'll purposely leave dishes in the sink thinking (hoping) they'll get washed. They don't. I say out loud, "I'm NOT washing these dishes." Yet, nobody else feels it necessary to wash them, knowing my OCD will kick in and I will have to wash them. Same with the laundry. How hard is it to take the items from the washer, put them in the dryer, take them out, fold and put away? Seriously. I'm just tired. You'd think being in a small house that the work would be less, but it's actually double. It doesn't take but a few things being out to make it look like a bomb went off. Is it too much to ask for (expect) a little bit of help? And by that, I mean to help without expecting a reward for it? (You moms know what I'm talking about..."they" do the dishes and want praise for it...it's like they've just climbed a mountain or something. We do it and...nothing.) Yes, I am bitching. I don't care. I have enough on my plate right now trying to get this deal closed on the house. I'm on the phone every single day talking to the mortage company, insurance companies, title company, attornies, realtors, etc. I'm. at. my. end.

Taking a much deserved break

2008-09-17T09:23:00.002-05:00

Tonight I get to take a break from being mom, wife, maid, cook, nurse, and mediator. Tonight, I just get to be a girlfriend, if only for a few hours. I am going so sub at Bunco with some women from my mom's group. It'll be so nice to have adult company with many women that I haven't seen since before I moved to Gardner. I've never played Bunco, but I figure after a few drinks it won't matter much anyway!

On another note, we have less than 2 weeks before we close on the house. It still hasn't quite sunk in that we'll actually have a place to call our own. I want to get excited, but keep holding back in case something goes wrong. We have been very blessed with the kindness of my friends Peppi and Rudy who opened up doors to their rental so we had somewhere to live until we could find a home to buy. Their kindness can never be repaid. They have really become family to us over the years.

Anyway, I promised the kids a trip to the park to feed the ducks, so I guess I'd better get it together.

What do you miss?

2008-09-13T12:15:00.003-05:00

I was reading a beauty blog a few days ago and it was about beauty products that have been discontinued. That got me thinking about that things, not necessarily beauty related (but mostly), that I miss. I mean, it never fails that I find a product that works really well on my skin or hair, then it's gone. Or, there is a certain shade of eye shadow or blush, then the next time you go to purchase it, the salesperson tells you they no longer make it. I also hate it when I find over the counter medications that work for my allergy/sinus issues then they quit making them. (Or people abuse them and you have to sign over your first-born child in order to get something with real Sudafed in it. Damn meth-heads.) Here are a few of mine, but I'd like to know what other people miss, because I surely am not alone. So, think hard and respond away!

Clean and Clear Shampoo/Conditioner
Chanel "Very Vamp" lipstick and nail polish
Benadryl Chewable Tablets (grape flavored)
Lancome Maqui Libre Foundation

Patience Pays

2008-09-02T10:39:00.002-05:00

We found out on Sunday that the sellers accepted the offer on the house. They didn't even counter-offer. That really surprised us. So, if all goes right, we will close on or before September 26th. We are really excited, but we know that things can still go wrong and it could still fall through. To be honest, our credit history isn't the best. We've been working really hard the last year or so to improve it, but there have been times where we've slipped up. We are doing everything to keep things on track and hopefully the mortgage company underwriters will see it that way. So, I'm trying to keep my excitement contained so if something does happen that I'm not too let down. But, it's still fun to think about all of the possibilities. Thanks for your good thoughts, well wishes, prayers or whatever. Keep them up and I'll keep you apprised!

Falling into Place?

2008-08-27T12:01:00.002-05:00

Gosh, I'm scared to even think it. Could it really be happening? It seems like everytime we think things are finally turning around, something else slaps us in the face. (Car repairs, tax liens, sick kids, etc) But, with the exception of Haley's Alopecia Areata diagnosis, we might be getting close to some sense of normalcy. We found a house that we LOVE and are waiting to hear back from Bank of America for our mortgage stuff. Once we get word, we'll be making an offer. Right now, it's a 2 bedroom 2 bath, but the basement is unfinished and has a rough-in 3rd bath and a daylight window so we can put in a 3rd bedroom. There is also a large storage room that we can split up between storage and play. It is walking distance to Haley's school where she will be for the next 3 years with Mariah and Grayson right behind. I'm trying to not get too excited, because if it falls through, we'll both be devastated. It's hard to believe we may actually be homeowners again instead of just renters! So, keep your fingers crossed that all goes well!

Mariah is sooo my child!

2008-08-20T10:23:00.002-05:00

Last night we took the kids to dinner and they had a fountain that you could throw pennies into. After the kids ate, we gave them all a penny and told them to throw it in and make a wish. When they were done, Nathan asked Mariah what she wished for (thinking it would something along the lines of marrying Joe Jonas). Her response? "For Haley to be stuck on a tree." I thought Nathan was going to fall out of his chair laughing. She is SUCH a turkey!

Goodbye Death Trap!

2008-08-12T19:46:00.002-05:00

Wooo-freaking-hooo!!! I finally got rid of my van, AKA "Death Trap". We'd been tinkering with the idea and had gone car hunting in Olathe, only to come home empty handed. Well, after driving it up there this weekend to get our last load of stuff, Nathan decided I was right and it was time to get rid of it. We think the computer was getting ready to go out, plus it needed all new breaks, rotors, shocks and struts. Not a cheap fix, especially considering the van wasn't worth much to begin with. We didn't get anything brand new, but it's new to me. It's a 2004 Tahoe LT. It is really nice. It is leather interior with 3 rows of seats and has about every option you could want, minus a DVD system. We got a pretty good deal on it and my payments are lower on it then they were on the van. I'll take some pics soon (and try to figure out how to post them).

Tomorrow

2008-08-11T15:39:00.002-05:00

Is my first day at my new-old job. It's going to be strange. I don't know how people will accept me. Plus, I now have a new Cad/mapping system to learn plus I have to re-learn all of my old 10-codes. I'm sure I'll make a fool of myself the first few days; tone out things that don't need it and telling officers what code to run. I'll probably also give out a few J-codes. I can't believe I'm nervous, but I am. I don't want a lot of questions as to why I'm back and such. I just want to work and be done with it. But, I'm sure it won't be that easy.

In other news, Woody is feeling better. He's got a sore throat and lots of drainage, but no more 911 calls. He needs to see a doctor, but I'm sure that won't happen! Haley starts school on Wednesday. It's funny; some of the kids in her class I went to school/graduated with their parents. Nathan says it'll be like a big class reunion! We have an ice cream social tomorrow night at the school so she can meet her teacher and bring in her school supplies. She is very excited. We're still up in the air with Mariah and pre-k. She goes to test on the 21st. If she doesn't get in, we'll look into some area preschools that she can attend a couple of days a week.

That's about it for now. If you could say a prayer for a girl on my Mom's group, I'd appreciate it. She and her husband have experienced multiple pregnancy losses and she just found out at 20 weeks that she'd lost another. She had to be induced and will have a service for their precious girl this week. "C" is a very faith-based person and I admire how much strength she has displayed. But, I know this will be hard for their whole family.

I made "the" call

2008-08-10T12:24:00.002-05:00

As a 911 dispatcher I get all kinds of calls and send help to people in need. But last night, I had to be the caller and try to patiently wait for the 911 dispatcher to help me. Nathan woke up and was having trouble breathing and suffering from chest pains. It scared the crap out of me. He is only 33, but has a long family history of heart problems. So, at 11:30 last night we had a rescue vehicle with 2 firemen and an ambulance with 2 paramedics at my house. They came blaring lights and sirens, as I knew they would. I must say, I don't like being on the calling end of the phone. Seconds seem like minutes and silence lasts an eternity. It was scary to see my husband hooked up to oxygen and a pulse-ox monitor. But, he is OK. It looks like the beginning of a nasty respiratory infection, probably brought on by not taking care of himself during this move. I hope from now on, I can be on the receiving end of the calls.

Too Smart for School?

2008-08-05T12:32:00.003-05:00

How much sense does that make? Mariah is chomping at the bit to go to school so I thought with us being back I'd put her in Pre-K. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. Apparently, she has to be tested and if she is too smart, there won't be a place for her. How do you explain to a 4 year old that they can't go because they aren't dumb enough?

Almost There

2008-08-01T10:44:00.002-05:00

Well, today is my last day at work. It's all kind of bittersweet. I'm excited about being closer to family, but I'm sad to leave the friends I've made. Wednesday and Thursday at work won't be the same without Ryan and Christa and our YouTube videos. I will also never look the same at biscuit dough again! We are going out for one last night of fun after I get off work at 11. But, I do have to show some self control.

The moving truck will be here tomorrow morning. (Which is why I have to behave tonight.) My inlaws are coming up to help load the truck. Some of it is going to the temporary rental. Some of it is going into Pep and Rudy's other empty rental and the rest is going in the storage unit. For those that don't know, Peppi and Rudy and great friends of mine who are allowing us to live in their rental until we can find more permanent housing. It's tiny, but it's affordable! My best friend is coming by tomorrow and taking the girls with her and they are staying the night in Derby while we move and unpack. I am so blessed to have such great friends who step up and help out. I'll owe them a girl's night out when all of this is done. Oh yes, and I have to cook Rudy dinner. (Once I figure out who to cook on a gas stove.)

Next week will be busy. I have to enroll Haley in school and also take my pre-employement physical. I've also got to get back up to Gardner to clean the house. Next Saturday we are doing our final walk-thru and I am PRAYING to get our full deposit back. We really need that money.

Other than that, not a lot going on! LOL! My first day at work is supposed to be the 13th, but I'm hoping to change that because it's also Haley's first day of school and I always get her ready and bring her. But, Nathan may take that roll this year. So, I probably won't be updating until our internet gets turned on next week. Wish us luck and we look forward to being back!

To buy or rent, that is the question

2008-07-24T12:08:00.002-05:00

Well, we are still not having luck finding a rental. So now we have to decide whether to continue looking or purchase a home. However, I'd still need a place to live for like a month until we can close. I found a house in Mulvane that I really like, but I need to sell Nathan on it. It is old and has tons of character. It has a great front porch, too! However, the back taxes we owe are standing in the way. We have to pay them off before we close on a house. So, still lots more thinking to do.

It Shouldn't Be This Hard

2008-07-18T10:33:00.002-05:00

To find a dang place to live! When we moved up to Olathe, I found a house with a few clicks of my mouse. Same with daycare. However, it appears that the landlords of Wichita haven't joined the program. You can barely find anything on-line. Then if you do, getting them to return calls or emails is like pulling teeth! I don't get it! On top of that, everyone has raised their rent prices. So here I am, taking a $5,000 a year pay cut and everyone else is raising their prices. I was moving back to Wichita to get a lower cost of living, not make less and pay what I'm paying up here! I sure as hell hope that landlords of Wichita know how to use a newspaper and I can find something tomorrow morning when we get in!

It also shouldn't be this hard to pack up a house! Holy crap! I'm finding a lot of stuff we've moved multiple times should never have been moved. I've found boxes of magazines belonging to Nathan. Apparently he thinks they'll be worth money someday. I've got news for him. They aren't original Playboy magazines, therefore they're worth NOTHING. It also doesn't help that I get stuff packed up, go to work, and then the kids unbox it all.

I'm almost ready to say "screw it" and just stay here.

Holy Schmoly!!!

2008-07-14T11:22:00.002-05:00

Well, it turns out my patience paid off. I received my job offer this morning. The kicker? They want me to start August 11th!!! That give me less than a month to find somewhere to live and move and find daycare. OMG! We just did this last year and I vowed to not do it again. So much for that vow! I may have to push my starting date back a week, but we still have to be moved in that short amount of time due to Haley starting school. So, don't expect a lot of updates and such from me since we're going to be packing maniacs. For my KC area readers, I'm going to be selling a lot of stuff, so if you are looking for things, let me know!!! For my Wichita readers, if you know of houses for rent in the Mulvane/Rose Hill/Derby area, WRITE ME!!!! OK...back to packing!

Still Waiting

2008-07-08T08:19:00.002-05:00

It's a good thing I'm busy at work, because it helps to keep my mind off of everything else. I still haven't heard anything from Derby and I'm getting antsy. I said if we are going to do this, it needs to be before school starts because I don't want Haley to have to change schools in the middle of the year. So, I'm torn between packing and looking for a house down there, or finding a new house here.

We're supposed to go car hunting this weekend. The van is starting to act up, so I need out of it before something really goes wrong with it. Hopefully we'll get on trade-in at least what I owe. Our credit still sucks, so we probably won't end up any better on payments, but at least we'd have something with a warranty. No, it doesn't really follow Dave Ramsey's plan, but we can't afford to make repairs AND make the van payment. I don't know what we are going to get, but it'll have to be something that the kids can all fit in with their carseats. So, hopefully next week I'll be able to post new car pics.

Grayson turned 3 on Saturday. Gosh, that is hard to believe. My baby is no longer a baby, but a full-fledged toddler in his thunderous threes. He is such a big boy. He is speaking so much more and potty trained. Man it's nice to not have to buy diapers anymore!

Well, that's about it for now. My work schedule has changed, so I'm trying to adapt as well as the kids. Hopefully I'll have some news...SOON!

Patience

2008-06-27T09:57:00.003-05:00

If you ask any of my kids what patience means, they will tell you "waiting without complaining". Apparently, I need to practice a bit of this myself. After wallowing in pity and pretty much giving up, Derby posted the ad this morning. So, now I'm a ball of emotions and I haven't even filled out the application! Not to worry, I will. But, I was going through it and realized that I forgot to renew my driver's license! YIKES! Somehow that escaped me. So, I have to go get a new license today so I can have a proper expiration date. We haven't really told a lot of people what is going on. Well, unless you count the whole internet, but not THAT many people read my blog. So, I will finish my application later, then the true test of patience will begin.

Decisions

2008-06-25T09:09:00.003-05:00

It sucks being lead on. I got a call last Monday from my old Lt. with Derby telling me they were opening up a position and would I be interested in applying. It was a call I'd been waiting for. For the last week I've checked their website multiple times a day just so I wouldn't miss it. Well, it's been like a week and a half and I'm beginning to think that my dream of going back is gone. So now I have a decision to make. Do I start a job hunt for Wichita and do something different with my life or do I stay in Olathe doing what I'm doing?

At a Crossroads (crazies and asshats unite!)

2008-06-16T08:04:00.005-05:00

Where to begin? It's been a while since I've been on. Our online access is limited at work (ie NO blogging websites). The last month has been packed full of nothingness and chaos at the same time. Haley finished school and is home for the summer. We had a meeting at work saying we weren't getting a raise this year. (This from the same city who doesn't provide shift differential or yearly cost of living raises.) On top of that, half the department has one foot out the door. We have now had our normal shifts (8-12-12-8) taken away and are going to 5, 8-hour shifts. Bye-bye 3 day weekend and having Sat-Mon off. Nathan's work doesn't have anything locally so he is bouncing between Overland Park, Lawrence, Iola and Wichita. They also change their minds multiple times a day as to where he is supposed to be, so I'm never really sure where he is working. We no longer have daycare because my provider decided to get off her meds and piss me off. So, I'm currently working all night, then coming home and taking care of the kids. Then I sleep when Woody gets home until it's time for me to go to work. I'm a real peach right now. Yes, I have feelers out there for new daycare. I've decided we'll probably not go with another in-home provider because the kids need stability and Woody and I need to know that we have reliable care for them. We're also looking into the option of hiring a nanny/housekeeper, but we will see which is more affordable. OK, I think that covers the crazies and asshats.

For my crossroads. What do I do? Nathan and I have decided if the opportunity presents itself, we will move back to Wichita. I thought I'd found that opportunity, but it was short-lived. However, it doesn't mean another won't come along. We agreed last year that we would give it (Olathe) a year and see how we felt. Our year is almost up and we've decided that we just don't belong here; that it will never be "home" to us. With all the crazies and asshats (see above) we need family and friends to be buffers and sounding boards. It just isn't the same over the phone or through email. Olathe/Johnson County isn't a bad place, it just isn't the place for us. With that being said, it may end up that we are here another couple of years (not by choice). If a job opportunity isn't availabe before the new school year begins, we won't move (unless they make a deal we can't refuse). It's bad enough Haley will have to start a new school, but I don't want her to try and do it in the middle of a school year. We are still second-guessing our decisions, but I guess only time will tell. We thought we'd made the decision to stay and then I got homesick and frustrated.

Anyway, that's my life right now; decisions, crazies and asshats.

Our Journey

2008-05-19T19:46:00.002-05:00

It's hard to believe it has been just over a year since we took a different road in our journey of life, marriage, parenting and jobs. Last May is when I began the hiring process with Olathe. This coming Friday will mark a year since my interview and polygraph. It doesn't seem possible. Once we started down this road, everything became a blur. We began preparing our kids, family and friends on the possibilities of what might lie ahead. Even though we were walking into it blind ourselves, we didn't want anyone, especially the kids taken by surprise. It was June when I got the call offering me the job and a mere few weeks later when we moved. I will say, it hasn't been easy. It's been a huge adjustment for all of us. Throughout the year I've constantly second-guessed my decision, but I'm finally coming to peace with it. I still miss my family and friends. I've had friends pretty much drop off the face of the earth, but I've had others step up and keep me going. I think my marriage was also saved by the move. We've had to rely on each other and don't have the interference we did before. The kids are learning to love it up here. Haley loves her school and our neighborhood is full of schoolmates. When we looked at moving back to Wichita, we had to take her into consideration. She's been in 3 different schools in 3 years. That's a lot for a little girl. So, putting our children and their happiness first, it looks like we will continue down this road that God led us to. We know it won't be easy, but for that we are prepared.

Time for a change

2008-05-14T10:13:00.002-05:00

I still can't quite believe it. Last night I had about 6 inches cut off my hair. I've been trying to grow it out forever and it was finally down past my shoulders WITH it being curly. It's now a chin-length bob. It looks cute, but I still surprise myself when I look in the mirror. But, it was time. All I did was put it up in a ponytail. Plus, I was shedding so much I there are days I could have made a wig for Barbie! But, most of all, I needed this for myself. I was just in a rut. I've only got 10 lbs left until I hit my weight-loss goal (I've now lost 35 lbs) and I needed this. I've tried buying myself new clothes and decided I now hate shopping. (I know some of you are gasping considering I used to be a shopping queen.) I think a lot of it is because I'm so used to seeing the extra weight on me that when I try on clothes I still see the fat. So, maybe this fresh new look will help me out.

Time for an update

2008-04-24T08:17:00.003-05:00

OK, so my last couple of posts have been downers. Sorry. So, I thought I'd take a few minutes to spin you up on what is going on with our family.

I'll start with the kiddos. Haley is almost done with 2nd grade. She is doing VERY well. She is reading at a 4th grade level and her math skills are amazing. She continually scores in the top of her class. (She must get that from Woody!) She has a "best friend" that lives next door and they are together ALL the time. Mariah is growing like a weed. She had her 4th birthday in January and thinks she is 14-with the attitude to match. She is definitely a middle child! She is so much like me; dramatic and over the top! She is also very free-spirited. She begs me every day to go to school, so I'm looking into local pre-schools for her. Grayson is approaching his 3rd birthday and it's setting in that he is no longer a baby. He is now potty-trained, even at night. It happened in less than a month's time. He was easier than the girls! He is a very emotional child and needs to learn to express himself through words and not tantrums. So, I'm trying to work with him on it. He and Mariah started a new sitter and we'll see how it goes. She thought she was ready for them, but I think they are going to end up being too much for her.

Nathan and I are doing OK. I'm working 3rd shift, which is difficult, but I'm trying to adjust. Obviously by my last few posts you can tell that I am homesick. Nathan thinks it's because of my job, and that may just be the case. I'm trying to get ready for a garage sale. I have 3 tubs full of clothes and a few other things. But, I need more than that for a successful sale. I've never done a garage sale on my own, so it should be interesting! Nathan is still working for the same company. I guess he likes his job. I wish they'd quit screwing with him, though. They expect him to do the work of a foreman without the pay. He drives pretty far every day and with the price of gas (especially diesel for the truck), a raise in pay would be nice!

It's hard to believe our journey here started just under a year ago. Who knew what started out as an innocent phone call to compare pay scales would result in a move! I'm still trying to make friends, but it's hard working 3rd shift. Plus, I'm just not the outgoing person I used to be. I find it hard to put myself out there. I need to work on that. I also started my weight-loss journey around this time last year. So far I have lost over 30 lbs. I have about 10 more to go and I'll be at my goal. Anything after that is just icing on the cake.

That's about it for now. I'll try to post pics once I figure out how!

You're Gonna Miss This

2008-04-21T23:22:00.002-05:00

I thought I had it rough growing up in a small town. I always thought there had to be something more out there. I was bored with the way that NOTHING ever happened there. I complained about eating Dairy King all the time. I hated not even having a decent grocery store in town. My parents always tried to tell me it wasn't that bad and that some day I'd appreciate it. I grew up and moved away. Yet, when it came time for me have a family and put my first child in school, I wanted to be back in that same town. I didn't want my daughter to feel lost in a big school where she was just another number. Well, a series of events occurred forcing us to leave our little has we'd grown to love and town I knew like the back of my hand. A couple of moves later and I'm still trying to find that "safe place" that was provided to me all my life. I can't find my niche in a town or in a job. I miss my parents so much that I tear up writing this. I miss my family and friends so much that my heart hurts. There are days it hits me out of nowhere and my emotions make it hard to breathe. All those times of my parents telling me, "You're going to miss this" I never listened or believed. Now I wonder if it's too late. We moved to try and provide a better life, but how is it better if you're miserable? Then again, how can I make the kids move again and switch schools again? I can't turn their lives upside down and make them pay for the mistakes that I've made. Is there a way to find that happy medium?

Migraines

2008-03-31T01:12:00.002-05:00

There's nothing like getting knocked flat on your butt with a migraine. Can I tell you how sick I am of these headaches? I've been getting them for years, but lately they have been coming more frequently and with much more intensity than in the past. I've been taking generic Midrin for a couple of years and it helps if I can catch the migraine from the start. The problem is, I wake up with them, and by then it's so intense that NOTHING helps me. I've tried other the counter stuff and even used "Head-On" (which actually does provide some relief). The problem is, they are all just "band-aids". I need to find out what is triggering them and what I can do long-term to keep them at bay. Our insurance at work sucks, so going to a billion different specialists isn't going to happen. I just hate how these headaches affect me. Not only do they make it hard to function in my daily life, it makes it extremely difficult at work to pay attention, they make me moody and I snap at Nathan and the kids. It's awful. I feel so NOT like myself, but I can't help it. So, if any of you have suggestions, send them my way. I'm almost to the point where I will try anything to get some relief!

A New Obsession

2008-03-29T04:16:00.002-05:00

For those of you that have known me for any length of time, you know I have this "thing" for shoes and purses. I LOVE them. I guess a lot of the reason behind that is no matter what my weight has been, those two things always fit. They can be so much fun and really add that extra "something" to an outfit. Over the years I've done better at taming my obsession. I still drool over the new Coach bags and shoes and SOMEDAY will own a LV Epi Cannes in red. But for now, I have found something fun and cheap! It is eyeglasses! A friend of mine turned me onto this website www.zennioptical.com . Their glasses start at around $9 a pair for single vision prescription glasses. They have hundreds to choose from. I'm in eyeglass heaven!!! I know, most of you are used to seeing me in contacts, but there is something in the air in Olathe that has my allergies driving me crazy, so I've started wearing my glasses more. I was bored with the couple pair I had and now I have 3 lovely new pair that I can sport. Even better, I got for less the $40 shipped!!! I now keep checking for new arrivals and have my eye on a couple pair to make into prescription sunglasses. Seriously, for you accessory lovers like myself, check it out. You won't be disappointed!

I Jinxed Myself

2008-03-16T03:04:00.002-05:00

I knew as soon as I said we were all healthy something would happen. Of course, it happened to me. I have a lovely head/chest cold-allery-sinus stuff thanks to the weather. My nose is raw from blowing it so much and I even use the good Kleenex! I'm sure my coworkers are tired of hearing my cough, sneeze, sniffle and blow my ever-running nose. My ears are also stopped up which makes it kind of hard to properly hear my radio. It's bad when officers are coming in and asking which one of us is sick. BUT, this stupid cold is NOT going to stop me from coming to Wichita next week! I won't let it! I have a playdate as soon as I get into town to meet up with friends and have some good girl time. Not sure what else I'll do while I'm "home". Probably just enjoy seeing my parents, siblings, family and friends. It's going to get crammed into a few short days, but I NEED this trip. I'm homesick something terrible. I'll miss getting to see the kids hunt for Easter eggs, but got some cute things for their baskets, not to mention some stinkin' cute outfits. Now I just need to find shoes. Guess I'll add that to my list. Well, I need to go blow my nose and refill my water.

Making myself happy?

2008-03-13T16:58:00.003-05:00

How do you do it? I've always been a people pleaser, putting other's happiness before my own. Before it was my parents and friends, now it's my children. It used to make me happy that I made others happy, but I'm starting to not feel that way. Not that I don't want others to be happy, but I'm beginning to wonder when it's my turn. We moved to Olathe with the hope and promise that things were going to be better for us. That the money we'd be making would offset the the cost of living and give us some extra to pay down debt. Such has not been the case. Neither Nathan or I are making what was told to us and we are struggling just as much, if not more, than we were in Wichita. It doesn't help that I don't really have any friends up here that I can turn to. I have girls I work with that are nice, but if the complaint is about work, how do I do that? I'm just very disenchanted with a lot of things right now. I think a lot of it is that I am homesick. Nathan can go back to Wichita anytime and still have a job with the same company. I don't have that luxury. I can't go back to Derby making starting wage and since I don't have my degree, I can't get a job paying me what I make now. I just don't know what to do. I DO know that my unhappiness is leaking out into my daily life. I have a shorter temper with Nathan and the kids and things are work irritate me easily. I just feel like I'm not myself anymore. I can't make anyone happy because I'm so unhappy with myself and the way my life is going. Do I just suck it up and deal with it because the kids are finally getting settled in and making friends? Do I start looking elsewhere for a job? I just don't know...I just know that I want to be happy.

A Friend

2008-03-04T03:49:00.002-06:00

I received this in an email from my mother in law and loved it.

WHAT IS A FRIEND?
Your Heart is your Love,
Your love is your Family ,
Your family is your Future ,
Your future is your Destiny ,
Your destiny is your Ambition,
Your ambition is your Aspiration ,
Your aspiration is your Motivation ,
Your motivation is your Belief ,
Your belief is your Peace ,
Your peace is your Target ,
Your target is Heaven,
Heaven is no fun without FRIENDSIt's "

F - Few
R -Relations
I- In
E - Earth
N - Never
D - Die

Healthy?

2008-03-03T23:08:00.003-06:00

Gosh, I'm afraid to say the word out loud! It's kind of like mentioning we're quiet at work because you know as soon as you do, the crap hits the fan! But, it looks like everyone is well on the road to recovery. Grayson hasn't had a fever since Sunday morning. We're still giving him breathing treatments, but we do those periodically year round due to his RAD. So, I'm crossing my fingers we are out of the sick zone!

Spring break is approaching and I am hoping to take a few days and come to Wichita. I'm not making any promises, but I REALLY want to come and visit. I miss my family and friends and I need a break. I can't take time off of work, so it'll be a short visit, but worth it.

Anyway, I'm at work and need to get myself into work mode. Wishing everyone a good week!

Financial Peace

2008-03-02T04:53:00.002-06:00

Financial and Peace...not normally two words that you associate with each other. But, we are on our way there. Nathan and I enrolled in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. It's a 13 week class that teaches how to get out of debt and stay out debt. This class is WONDERFUL. I would advise anyone to take it. Nathan and I had just become so overwhelmed in our debt that we didn't know what to do. We had more month than money and were constantly at each other's throats. I wanted to budget and Nathan thought it was pointless. We were spending like we had money when we didn't and charging like we could afford the payments. Well, all of that is stopping. We are following Dave's "Baby Steps" and learning how to live within our means. If we keep things up like we are right now, in 18 months we will be debt free with the exception of my student loans. Do you know how good that feels? 18 MONTHS!!! I know to some that may seem like an eternity, but to us it is the light at the end of the tunnel. We'll no longer be slaves to credit card companies or the IRS. Once the student loans are paid off, the only debt we hope to have will be a mortgage. We're going to try to live as debt free as possible. It's really a good feeling. Now that we are on the same page about finances, it has really lifted a heavy burden. We aren't perfect by any means, but at least we are working together. We are working on a zero-based budget and using the envelope system. It's taking a lot of work, but I know it'll be worth in the long run. Taking this class may also have been a lifesaver to our marriage.

Update on Grayson

2008-02-29T21:08:00.000-06:00

Well, I was wrong. It isn't croup, it's influenza. The poor child is just miserable. They chose to not give him Tamiflu because in children as young/small as him it can cause psychotic episodes. Well, we don't need any of those! His fever is lingering at 104.5. It goes down a bit with Motrin, but won't stay down. He's also taking Albuterol treatments with the nebulizer. He hates it, but it seems to be helping his breathing. If his temp gets much higher or he grows more lethargic or if he spikes a fever and goes into a febrile seizure, he'll have to go to the hospital. He isn't eating and barely drinking. His eyes are glassy and rimmed in red. It was so hard to leave him and come to work but he is in the capable hands of his daddy. So, crossing fingers the other kids don't get this. Nathan has already had it and I took a preventative of Tamiflu when Woody was sick, so hopefully it'll leave us alone. I've been sanitizing everything in the house and making the girls wash their hands A LOT. Anyway, it's going to be a long 12 hours at work knowing my baby is sick. :(

Sick, again

2008-02-29T11:00:00.000-06:00

I swear, one of us gets well and the next one gets sick. Poor Grayson has really taken the brunt of it this winter. For those that don't know, they think he is having abdominal migraines in which he wakes up at night vomitting. It's on it's own "cycle" and is happening to him every 2 weeks. We are currently trying to get in with a pediatric GI at Children's Mercy. Last night he woke up and was really struggling to breathe. I think he may have croup. We are going to the doctor at 2:45 today. He's coughing like a seal and running a fever of 104. He HATES medicine (and will tell you that), so getting anything in him to get the fever down is next to impossible. So, I'm trying to keep him comfortable and let him rest as much as possible. I'll try to update later. (I work 7p-7a the next few days so I can't guarantee my posts will make a lot of sense!)